A Journey

Thirteen months ago, October 4, 2008 to be exact, I started a journey to be a Nationally Board Certified Teacher. I was excited and nervous for the endeavor as I had been told stories of how hard and arduous the process can be but I was determined. Some of that came from being in a new system where many of the teachers and staff were better educated than I was with masters degrees and doctorates. Some of it came from wanting to be busy as Sarah was going to night school and I was going to be alone in the house a lot. But most of all, I wanted it. For me. I wanted to not worry that if I moved again I had to get a new certificate and take tests and I wanted to be able to stay in the middle school setting.

So I logged 47 hours of meetings and trainings and work sessions. I spent every Saturday for 6 months writing, reviewing, and critiquing my own teaching. What do I do as a teacher? How do my students respond and am I able to give them what they need? What is a professional teacher? Have I become one and how do I prove it? These are just a couple of the questions that I spent hours discussing in my head and with those going through the process too. I spent much of my own time working, writing, thinking, researching. And of course I dragged Sarah into it as my editor, contributor and crutch.

Sarah videotaped my class a bunch of times until I got exactly what I needed to submit 2 - 15 minute DVD's of my teaching to determine my fate. I met a great friend who came over many nights to work together so we could be the strongest candidates possible. I took practice assessments in sessions that lasted 2-4 hours and learned terminology and pedagogy til I couldn't think straight.

I mailed the portfolio and took the 4 hour assessment and just like that it was over. Rather, I had to pretend it was over because that was June and the results don't come out until November. As the day approached to find out my fate I was a wreck, I picked a huge fight with Sarah over something stupid, I couldn't sleep, the usual stress induced stuff. Then last Friday the scores were released.

I didn't pass.

I called Sarah from school, tearful, and told her. I posted on facebook and twitter. I needed it to be out there, to be real. I immediately texted my friend to find out her fate. She passed! (and I am so happy and proud of her). Then came the tears. I couldn't stop. I tried and tried and tried to suck it up. I went to the hallway and gave myself a pep talk but it was too much. I called for coverage and headed home defeated. Sarah sat with me for an hour while I cried. There was nothing to say, nothing to make it better. I talked to mom and dad and they were so great. Mom got angry that someone would dare say I wasn't good enough and dad said "this test doesn't define you".

I couldn't hear any of it. I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself, feeling as if I had let everyone down. Sarah had worked hard on this project too, helping me be the best I could be, my parents were supportive through the whole process and had helped pay for it. I couldn't bear that they be disappointed in me. Then Sarah made pancakes and made me laugh. I went to see my acupuncturist who calmed my body down and let me sleep for a while. I left the appointment feeling much better. I came home, picked Sarah up and we went off to the movies. It was good not to think of it.

Sunday morning in church I got teary, and then cried again when my pastor mentioned it. I am not ready to talk about it yet face to face with anyone. It hurts.

BUT - I know that my dad was right. This test does not define me or my teaching. My portfolio scores were fantastic which means the people scoring my actual teaching thought I was fabulous and that I have gone above and beyond in the community, my profession and with the families of my students. That is something I am proud of. I believe that teaching is personal, that in order to really teach one has to know their students and that I do that is evident.

The downfall was the written assessment. A 4 hour test taken on a computer where you are given 6 prompts to answer. When I left the assessment center I couldn't tell anyone what the prompts were because I didn't remember. I still don't. I couldn't tell you what I wrote because those memories are not there. Evidently I had test anxiety and froze up.

I can take the test again in the spring and I might. I haven't decided, I still have some time. I can wait up to 2 years to retake it. This has been a difficult year, getting laid off, being a substitute and creating an art curriculum.

I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that I am a good teacher. In fact, I am a great teacher. I have been in the trenches, experienced a lot in different parts of the country and learned more than I ever thought I could. The test doesn't define me, I define myself.

5 Weeks

I have been quiet these past five weeks. My life has not been quiet, there have been birthdays, out of town visitors, work, girls nights, all the usual yet I have been quiet here. There is a reason, one I can't really explain except to say that I know when it is time to blog, time to share with the world and I haven't had that moment of knowing until just now.

With my current placement as an art teacher I find that I have more free time on my hands than I would like. I have the internet in my classroom so I spend more time now than ever before staying abreast of the news cycle. I am an avid LA Times and CNN reader now, I read everything they post. This week has been difficult in the news with the Fort Hood shootings and the appeal of the D.C. Sniper for his life to be spared. It wasn't, a short while ago John Allen Muhammed was given a lethal injection.

I in no way want to start a death penalty debate with anyone so please do not misunderstand me, I am very aware of the pain that this man brought to a city, a nation. I was there with everyone, watching as law enforcement was helpless to stop the killing, I was there watching as the men responsible were arrested and everyone breathed easier if only for a moment. I do not understand what motivates someone to kill innocent people. I only know that this man caused undo pain and suffering to countless people through his actions. Was it right for the justice system to sentence him to death. I don't know. I do know that I felt sadness when I read the headline declaring his death tonight. I won't apologize for that sadness. What I know is that another person is dead tonight - wrong or right someone else has died. Added to the people who were shot in TX and Florida in the past week it is another death stacked on.

As I sit here I am reminded of something that I read quite sometime ago "All men and women whom I have faced at that final moment convince me that in what I have done I have not prevented a single murder" A statement by Britain's last hangman, Albert Peirrepoint. I do not feel that the death penalty saves lives. More people are killed today than ever before despite the death penalty.

I pray for John Allen Muhammed, for his family and the families of those whom he killed. I pray for those investigating the Fort Hood shootings and all of the families that feel a little less secure in their fortress tonight. I pray for the justice system and that decisions are made in fair, non-biased ways. I pray for our nation - that we can find peace among the war that wages and I pray for myself - that I can trust in God, his timing and be made whole in his spirit.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up." ~ Anne Lamott

So here's to not giving up today, tomorrow and the day after that. Hope. Sometimes it's all we have, knowing that makes my heart a bit lighter tonight.

I have been an art teacher for about a month now. It is going well. My students are enjoying the projects we have worked on, they are learning about art history, I am teaching and most importantly - paying the rent. I have spent a lot of time researching art techniques, artists and getting to know 213 students (up from 180 last year). Electives have many more students than academic classes due to less classes offered.

It is difficult without a background in teaching art but the other art teacher is a huge help and the students are pretty flexible so we are taking it one day at a time.

My students are talented and work hard here are some examples of collages we made in the likeness of Henri Matisse:

And it All Started with a Big Bang!

Who doesn't like a catchy theme song to a sitcom, and even better if the show is good, right! I am a big fan of smart T.V. and the Big Bang Theory (Monday nights on CBS) is very smart and funny. It hits close to home, as one of the main characters, Sheldon, has some OCD tendencies that I share. I personally see nothing wrong with sitting in the same place all the time or eating the same thing all the time but back to my story.

Living in Hollywood has its perks, one being that many shows are filmed here so for my birthday Sarah and our friend Emily got me tickets to see the show filmed "before a live studio audience"! It was very cool. Emily has a friend who is also a huge fan of the show and she got us the tickets because she has been to tapings many times before and knows all the pages so we got treated very well, we were first in line, had front row seats and I got my DVD signed by the cast and the creator Chuck Lorre.

When you first get into the your seats on the stage they show you a previously filmed episode, we were seeing the third episode being taped so we got to see the season premiere which was so cool because it won't be on T.V. for a couple more weeks. Then they start filming, it is like a play, start to finish, scene by scene. There was this guy who was in charge of the audience and was slightly amusing, he played audience games and gave out candy and such. Then about an hour in everyone got a piece of pizza and a bottle of water.

The filming got done around 9 which I understand to be early, some go until 11 or 12 but everything had run smoothly.

So when you watch the third episode of the season listen for the audience laughter - it's me!!!!

Response from School Board

This is the response I received today from the office of the President of the school board for the district. Frankly I am impressed to get a response and that she checked my status. I can't wait for the other 1,200 teachers to get hired so I can get my job back!

Dear Ms. Knapp,

Thank you for your email to Board President García. On the surface, it may appear that we do not care about our employees. The fact is that we do care a great deal.

I want to acknowledge that this situation must be extremely upsetting and frustrating. Working as an extended substitute certainly does not compare with being a contracted teacher. We’re not satisfied with this outcome, either--the District worked hard to recruit you, and we do not want to lose you. No one wanted the layoffs to happen. The goal has always been to maintain as many teaching positions as possible. Very difficult decisions were made in order for the District to remain solvent while still being able to meet the needs of our students.

On the positive side, you will have guaranteed employment (other RIF’d teachers whose schools were not able to bring them on as extended subs do not have this assurance) and you will qualify for health benefits effective October 1st because you worked the whole year last year. However, I checked your status, and unfortunately, there are approximately 1,200 elementary teachers with more seniority who would have to be offered reemployment before we could legally reach you on the list.

I wish I could help more.

With best wishes,

Amy

Amy Cooper

Deputy Chief of Staff

Office of Board President Mónica García

Los Angeles Unified School District

Letter to Steve Lopez at the L.A. Times

Mr. Lopez,

I have been following your columns on the situation regarding LAUSD and while I rarely voice my opinion to persons such as yourself, I wanted to share an e-mail I sent today to UTLA President A.J.Duffy, Superintendent Ramone Cortines and the school board members. I am fed up with the way I have been treated by this school district. I am a dedicated teacher who has not only worked hard to ensure that my students learn, but that I continue learning as well. I went through the process to become nationally certified this year. When my students found out I had received a pink slip they wanted to have a bake sale to save my job. Maybe if we could have gotten Martha Stewart it would have worked!

As I wrote to Mr. Duffy and the others I don't expect anything from you, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you are bringing this to the public's attention. The school district is treating its' employees badly and in the long run will end up hurting the students even more. I haven't decided if I am going to go back as a substitute yet, I find it hard accept that as my role. I worked hard to become a professional and wish only to be treated as one.

Thank you for your words, they are telling the whole story,

Angela Knapp


Dear Mr. Duffy

You don't know me, my name is Angela Knapp and I am one of the many who received a reduction in force letter this past spring. I am writing to you because I have no idea who else to contact. I have only been teaching in LAUSD for one year however, I have been teaching for four years. I am an accomplished, well trained professional and when I was informed of the lay-offs I was also made promises by my administration.

I understand there is only so much a school site can do and as such I will not be hired back. To that end, I am insulted by the superintendent's memo that all but some 300 rif'd employees were rehired by the district. I have been told that I can return to my school site as a long term sub. I am to understand that means no sick time, no paid holidays, a major pay cut and the loss of several other "perks" as they were.

I worked for three years on the Mexican border teaching seventh graders how to read and I spent last year putting that same energy into furthering the knowledge of the seventh grade Magnet students at John Burroughs Middle School. And now I am expected to carry on doing the same duties for a fraction of the pay? That is an insult to me and to the entire profession of teaching.

I don't know what I expect from you. Frankly, I've come to expect very little from my union and my former employer. But I thought you should hear the story of someone who cares and apparently, is not cared about.

Sincerely,
Angela Knapp
Former-LAUSD employee

10 Year Reunion

My ten year high school class reunion is in a couple of weeks and no, I am not attending. I really have no interest in it, I keep in touch with several people from my class and I don't have any need to have awkward conversations with people I didn't talk to ten years go for $25 in a bar.

This approaching milestone has led me to think about what has transpired these last ten years. Here are ten things I have learned since graduating from Howell High School in 1999:

1. Home is a state of mind. Ten years ago I never imagined living on the west coast but here I am. When I had the opportunity to move west I was terrified and felt alone but over time it has become home and now I love it! I still miss the mitten state and the people but it can't hurt to have more than one home.

2. Never underestimate the value of prayer.

3. Follow your heart.

4. Don't be a pack rat.

5. Always, always, blow out candles when you leave a room.

6. Don't be afraid to ask how to do something.

7. Always look a gang banger in the eye - no matter how much you are shaking.

8. There are some classes in college that you will not remember the content of no matter how hard you try, just pass and get out. (i.e. chemistry).

9. Write stuff down. The little stuff and the big stuff.

10. Never forget how good it was and keep moving to the next thing, there are more good things in store!

Waiting

As of June 30th I no longer work for the Los Angeles School District. My tenure there was short, 10 months, but like any other assignment I met some pretty terrific kids and some odd ducks too. I could be called back at any time in the next 96 months to pick up an assignment without losing my time but I am looking into other options.

It is July 5th. I am not good at not being employed. I am good at vacationing, spending money, traveling, teaching, but not sitting, waiting, interviewing and finding a job I was not schooled in. Teachers are not in demand. Not in California. Not in the west. Not in the midwest. Not in the east. Not anywhere. Jobs are few and far between and the open ones have too many applicants to count. I am not a specialist in my field.

I have a degree in elementary education. I want to teach middle school. So I spent a lot of money I didn't have this year to get nationally certified in tecahing middle school English. I don't get the results until November. That doesn't help me now unfortunatley. So for now I wait.

All this has kicked my anxiety disorder into high gear. Part of my disorder is a need for things to be organized and clean. To the point where it gets ridiculous. This week my project was Sarah and her files of writing. She was a good sport of course, she always is and now has color coded files for all her scripts and stories in tidy boxes and a very organized closet. My room can't get much more organized, nor can the kitchen so if anyone needs anything organized let me know :-).

I am trying to be patient and wait out God's plan, I know he has one, I wouldn't be in LA if I thought otherwise and I firmly believe I have been on a path that has been leading to something. It will become clear in time. It will.

I know lots of you are reading this and had thought I had given up updating but I haven't, I have just been busy organizing and praying and thinking. Thanks for sticking it out with me.

Whirlwind

It has been a whirlwind spring! Things are wrapped up at school finally. I am still officially laid off but that could change at anytime so fingers crossed. Mom and dad arrived after their cross country trek and we have been sightseeing, eating at fun restaurants, and having fun being together for over three weeks now. Our time is drawing to a close as they will go on their way through Texas and then home.

I had a bad fall at work on the 15th of this month carrying a crate of books to my car, my heel got caught in a crack and I went down hard on cement. I landed on my left foot and right side of my back. I have been in physical therapy for the injuries and am feeling better but still wearing a back brace fit for a Wal-Mart employee and have a hematoma in my abdomen that is of some concern to me but not to the doctors ;-). The good news is that workmans comp is paying for everything, 1 for me!

As things settle down over the next week I will fill you in on some more stuff that has happened, in the mean time check out my exciting adventures of peeing on a mouse via Sarah's blog.

Retirement

I was going to blog about me because that's what I usually do ;-) But I changed my mind after I got an e-mail filled with pictures of my parents recent trip to all over (they went a lot of places). My parents have worked hard for as long as I can remember. During the week they went to work during the day and either church or school stuff at night, on the weekends more church and house chores, family stuff. We very rarely had a time when we didn't have something to do as a family. I am sure no one reading this know what I am talking about!

We went on lots of vacations but there was always that sense of getting laundry done, back to work, etc... Then about a year ago they made a decision. Retirement was beckoning. I didn't believe it. My dad has always joked about it but he loved his job and my mom, although didn't like her job, has the same fears of the unknown that I do. They kept saying it was happening, then all of sudden other people knew and it was becoming more real. Then it happened. I was happy for them but not sure what it meant. They didn't go to work anymore. I changed numbers in my speed dial and my dad got a new cel phone but what else. What were they going to do.

Travel. That's what they said. I was unsure. We are not the most spontaneous family but off they went to Florida and made a bunch of stops along the way. Every time they called they were visiting some friend or family member. It was crazy, I kept calling to make sure they were OK sure that something bad would happen because it was too good to be true.

Then tonight I got the pictures of their several week long journey. And I cried. Big, happy, thankful tears of joy. I honestly can't tell you the last time my mom looked that relaxed or my dad looked like he was having that much fun.

My parents have spent a lifetime serving God, raising two daughters, taking care of family, and giving everything to everyone else - they deserve every trip, roadside diner, hotel room and ghost town in their future.

They are driving across the country to visit Sarah and I for a few weeks at the end of the month and I can't wait to experience this new found freedom with them!

Follow Through

In sports the follow follow through is the most important thing if you want to be successful. You can't succeed without it. In golf (the only sport I really excel at) one has to follow through on the swing, a lot of people think the back swing is the most important but it's not. If you don't come all the way through correctly your ball won't go the right way. And in basket ball if you don't follow through on your shot the chances of making it go in the basket go down significantly. I am sure there are many other sports where this is true but my knowledge is limited (insert jokes and laughter here).

In teaching the follow through is incredibly important as well. I have learned that the hard way in the past. The stakes are high when dealing with kids. They expect you to follow through on EVERYTHING, even if you say something in passing or by mistake. Sometimes it is hard to remember everything I say which is why I am careful not to make promises to my kids I know I can't keep good or bad.

I wrote before about Ricardo, the student who recently got out of the gang and has been doing better. He has begun to slide as far as his grades and attendance. We (those that are involved in his care at school) are starting to come down on him and yesterday I had to take him in to the administration for a "real" talk. It was tough, he doesn't want to take responsibility, wants us to lay off and let him be. I had to tell him that unless he starts to take this very seriously I'm out. This is difficult for me. I have invested every lunch period and at least 2 hours a week of other time for three months into him.

For a kid like Ricardo being tough is the only way to get through to him and following through is the only way to make it stick. I don't want out. He's got a good heart and has made progress and I don't give up without a fight but I will. I will be sad and heartbroken but come Monday morning at 7:49 if he's not in my room I'm out and he knows it. The balls in his court and it's time for him to follow through.

First Sermon from Couch

I am a firm believer in rules, they are created because people did not have common sense to not do the right thing therefore someone created a label for the action that must be followed in order for society to continue without chaos.

I do not cross the street when the orange hand is up, I do not drink milk after the date on the carton, I do not dry my hair in or near the bathtub and I stand on the square at the pharmacy until the person in front of me is done.

I believe that if a person breaks a rule they should suffer the consequences. If you speed, you get a ticket, you hurt, threaten, endanger or try to hurt someone you should go to jail. You skip school, detention, you skip jury duty, bench warrant. I think you get the picture.

I am not saying I am right, and that all rules are in people's best interests. I am simply saying that I like rules because I can control things when there are rules. God likes rules too. He has lots of them. There are the ten big ones like don't kill, honor your mother and father, etc... and the other miscellaneous ones you know like love everyone and clothe everyone and feed the poor and don't be a hypocrite. Come to think of it I think God likes rules more than I do and his punishments used to be a lot more strict. He lightened up a lot when Jesus showed up but most people do get busy when they have kids.

Amos 7:7-8 reads "This is what he showed me; the Lord was standing beside a wall built with a plumb line, with a plumb line in his hand. And the Lord said to me, 'Amos, what do you see?' And I said, 'A plumb line.' Then the Lord said, 'See I am setting a plumb line in the midst of my people Israel."

I went on a mission trip in college to Coalmont, TN and was asked to build a boarder of 6X6s around a playground in 2 days with some rebar and a couple of sledgehammers. There were like 8 of us college students and our pastor. It was my first mission trip and I didn't have a lot of experience with building. Thankfully someone on our team came up with the idea to use a rock from the playground and the string from our nametags to make a plumbline to make the border straight. Folks, it wasn't striaght but those elementary school kids didn't care; they got to use thier new playground after months of looking at it because it had a border and I learned what a plumb line was.

That trip taught me that sometimes rules don't apply, you just have to make stuff up as you go along and hope for the best. While I do believe that rules keep me safe and I do follow the most important ones, I also make exceptions.

As a teacher I break rules for my students when I see how hard they are working or if a second chance is needed (or a third, fourth...). I am learning to accept that the expectations I set for myself aren't hard and fast rules but more of a plumb line that can be crooked as long as the path is in the right direction. Everyday I get up and make more mistakes and set my path straight again according to the plumb line I hope God has set for me.

God set a plumb line to judge the Isrealites because no one keeps all the rules, no one has a perfectly straight path. There are twists and turns and as long as we keep God's plumb line in our sights we will never break God's rule over our hearts.

Saturday!

I can't remember looking forward to a day more in a long time! Tomorrow is a free day. It's not spring break when I felt obligated to get things done yet was in a lot pf pain the entire time. My National Board portfolio is done and the test isn't until May 16th.

I am free as a bird, the weather is going to be great and I am planning a big day. Spending some time in the back yard sunning (not a lot due the fear of skin cancer), cleaning the house (it's dirty), and watching a movie.

Sarah has some weird notion of grocery shopping but I say forget it, too much stress! There is too much stress in my life anyway and I am getting rid if it. Lost my job, oh well, being proactive and working on getting another one. Not feeling well, oh well, dealing with it, sleeping and yoga. Can't sleep, breathing exercises and reading.

This is a new calm I have accepted. I have decided that other than the job and money and health thing I like it here in LA and I am going to make it work so this is how. I will see how long it lasts. Pretty random blog I realize but not much else is going on these days.

Proud Mama Bear

Since the beginning of February I have been working twice a week in a program to help students who are struggling in English. I go in to their English class during my conference period and do whatever the class is doing that day to help them keep up. It has been a challenge and very rewarding. I have met new students, worked with two new teachers and because I am paid for the time I have to make up my conference period. Because I also tutor after school on Mondays I go in at 6:50 and am there until 4 with just a 30 minute lunch break. Or so it seems.

One of the students I am working with is tremendously artistically talented. He is funny, hardworking when motivated and trying to turn his life around. When I first met him he asked me for a favor which led me to of course ask questions which of course got me involved in his life. Long story short he is a 12 year old who has been in a gang, has a tattoo, is getting the tattoo removed (that's where I came in) and is now out of the gang and focusing on school and art. My job is to help him get his English homework turned in and figure out how to get him to show up for homeroom. He missed 6 months of homeroom before he met me. Since meeting me he has made it twice. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Every day he does not come to homeroom he has lunch detention with me which is why my thirty minute break is not really a break but it gives us time to get his work done. This is his latest project and I couldn't be more proud, he entered the Google Doodle contest and was one of 6 entries picked from my school to go to the national competition. This is a giant leap in the right direction as he had to come up with the idea, draw it (there were many drafts), get a consent form signed (which asks where you were born, who knew it could be a complicated question??????) and get it all in by the due date.

He did it and I am so proud, I don't care if he wins, I know this is part of his path to where he needs to be. Like many others in his situation, he is a strong, smart, lovable child with never ending potential. Key word being child. I know what he has gone through in his short life and for him to create this drawing for the topic "What I Wish for the World" shows a lot about what is inside the hardened kids I and so many others see everyday.

http://picasaweb.google.com/charlie.unk/Google2009?feat=directlink#5317614612790904850

Solidarity leads to Chaos

In a show of solidarity yesterday the union rep at my school hung a giant pink ribbon on my door with a copy of the pink slip I received to let all the parents know I was being laid off. We were having a spring open house and it was a protest of sorts. It worked, lots of parents expressed sympathy and told me how much they appreciated what I had done for their children. It was a little awkward for me but it was a nice gesture.

That was it. I thought. Then I left. Without taking the giant pink ribbon and letter off the door.

As I walked to my room this morning I was greeted by panicked faces, scared students and a wall of 7th graders who physically tried to stop me from getting to my classroom. It took me a minute to figure out was going on. The ribbon and letter were still there and they thought I didn't know. They were trying to stop me from seeing it. The gesture itself almost brought me to my knees.

I quickly explained to them that I knew it was there, why it was there, what it meant to me and to them and it was even pointed out to me that the letter was 5 paragraphs (other teachers laugh here).

I spent the next 20 minutes trying to calm the hysteria, most of them aren't buying the party line though, they know what's happening as many of them have parents working in the district.

I have been hearing a lot lately that it is a bad time to be an educator with all the cuts but frankly I think it's a bad time to be a student, education itself is suffering and I am not sure I can continue to be a part of it. These kids deserve so much better than what we as an institution offer them. Since I found out that I would be laid off I have been doing some serious thinking about my future. Is my future in teaching? I have spent a lifetime preparing for it, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But now as I consider packing up my entire classroom again, moving it all to a new room and unpacking it. The organization alone is overwhelming. Not to mention learning a new school's procedures spoken and unspoken, meeting a whole new staff, being the new kid on the block even though I'm not new to teaching. It is enough to make me consider looking into some other kind of work.

And then I think I think of the faces this morning, the way my students wanted to protect me from the bad news. The way they reacted. And I think who could walk away from this.

I am having the best time right now. On Friday I assigned my class something I have never done, a skit. They have to come up with a story that has a moral or a lesson to go with the unit we have been doing. I have found myself coming up with out of the box projects for them to do as of late because they move so quickly through the curriculum.

As I write this they are rehearsing the skits they will perform tomorrow. I am excited to see them, they have definitely gotten into the spirit of the assignment, I have kids in costumes, lots of laughter, deep discussion and furtive rewriting. It is a serious day here in English class.

These are the days that I look forward too, laughing with my students, watching them learn with each other, problem solve together. They are learning without even knowing it.

And now there is a discussion of how a girl pretends to be a guy because we ran out of guys, I am needed.

A Mask

Anyone who has children or spends time around children will tell you that it is hard to lie to kids. Not the little things like I love your painting of a red blob that is supposed to be a fire engine or these are the best cookies I have ever had even though they taste like salt cubes. Those are easy because they come from a place of love and pride and genuineness that only a loving adult can give a child.

The hard lies are the ones that require a mask. A mask that is so hard it can't crack on the rainiest of days. I have had a lot of rainy days lately and I have been lying to my kids with the thickest mask I can manufacture. I know it is for their own good but it is killing me. Slowly.

I look at them everyday and I know they know something isn't right but because they are 12 they can't put their finger on it. They say good morning, see you tomorrow, how was your weekend all the usual stuff. But now I get things like, are you in a good mood?, are you happy today?, Are you having a good day?...

They know pink slips went out and they have asked, I was honest and told them that I got one but I assured them that they shouldn't worry because the money would come through. It was a lie, there is no money but they are too young to worry about my job. They are too smart not to. So here we are day in and day out, me in my mask, them trying to make me happy - thinking if they can do something well it will make the mask go away and Ms. Knapp will come back. I don't know if she will. I want her to for their sakes. They deserve better. But for now the mask will have to do, it is all I have.

Burroughs Scholars 2009

On Friday we had an assembly at school to recognize the students who had achieved academic success first semester. I wasn't particularly interested in going as it was putting my classes off schedule but after I got there and started seeing my students cross the stage I started to understand the reason for the assembly.

The first group to cross the stage was the 4.0 group, 18 of my students achieved this status. Then came the 3.5 and above group there were 29 o my students here. 47 of my students (out of 165) were recognized for academic excellence. This is not an easy task in a Magnet program.

Students received picture frames, certificates, In 'N' Out gift cards and lanyards as rewards for their hard work and achievement.

Needless to say it was a proud day for JB!

Growing Up Fast

When I in school (the first time around :-) ) I was in a hurry to grow up, just like my students are now. But now it seems like the speed of light. Cell phones, i-pods, cash everywhere, brand names, swear words don't get a second look, they don't have brain filters for anything it seems.

And just when I thought I had reached my limit...I told my class we were going to the book fair and two students, not one, but two asked if they would take debit cards. I said yes but only if their parents brought them in after school and I was told that they had their own debit cards in their own names. THEY ARE TWELVE. They are not miniature adults, they don't have jobs or apartments or even know how to take care of a hamster; they don't make good decisions, they eat cookies for lunch for crying out loud. I can barely handle having a debit card, just ask Sarah.

I don't have children, I certainly don't have a twelve year old and maybe I would give them a cell phone if they were away from me for long periods but a debit card? I think I have figured out what's wrong with the economy. See that wasn't so hard!

Where does depression hurt?

Everywhere.

That may be a commercial but to someone who suffers from bouts of depression they know that it may be the truest tag line in advertising history. It effects every part of your life even if you are not aware of it at the time. Let me go back to the beginning of this story.

A few weeks ago I was preparing for a procedure, the doctor was going insert a needle into my spine in three places to numb the nerves to see if it would magically take my migraines away. Part of me said don't get too excited, you have had this your whole life, nothing else has worked, glass is half empty....but another part was saying that the doctor seemed so sure this was the permanent solution and the pain would be gone forever that I was so ready to believe.

And then I got a letter saying that the school district was making mid year cuts and may lay off 2300 non permanent teachers in February. That's me. I couldn't tell the kids but I also didn't want to teach. I couldn't bear to talk about it because it made me cry. All of sudden the life I was building here was closing in around me and looking very scary. As I waited for the school boards decision there was still more.

We live in the money pit, yep the one from the move with Kristie Alley, now the only difference is that we don't have to pay for repairs. Maybe something would get repaired if we did but you know. We have rats (which you know if you follow Sarah's blog), we have had no heat in three months, we have the worst roof on our garage in roof history, everything in their was ruined, including two sets of golf clubs. One of our kitchen cabinets stays permanetly open and we have no gardener per our lease so it looks like we live in a jungle. Did I mention the rats.

Here's how things turned out: the procedure didn't work, my dr. is stymied and is consulting other doctors on my case which is great because I can't afford to pay him let alone other fancy specialists.

The school board voted to lay us off but the superintendent chose not to. My job is safe until June. Needless to say I am updating my resume and putting out feelers. Just when I had the perfect job.

I made a very rude call to my landlord, by message of course on the day his sister-in-law died. I have that kind of luck. When he got back from the funeral we had a long talk and within 24 hours we had a new thermostat, the rat people were back and the handyman is on his way, he has until Friday to fix the rest or I will call again. I also have my fabulous lawyer cousin looking up CA property law in case he needs to send a threatening letter.

For anyone this is stress, major stress. But for me, without me even seeing it coming, it sent me into a bout of depression. When this happens I go inward, I stop calling people, anwering the phone, not wanting to be out of the house. Thank goodness I have the worlds best sister who makes sure I eat ok and take care of myself. Even when I say I am ok she sees through it and takes care of me anyway. She there when the nightmares wake me up at 3:00 in the morning or when I can't find a shirt to wear. She's there to find something good on TV to watch when she knows I won't bother to change the channel. And she's there to tell me to get back up.

I don't know what's next, getting up and trying life again. Opening myself back up to those around me. This is my first attempt at that. Just putting it out there makes it real and it has to be real to move on.

A Time for Change

Today will be one of those days. One of those days when someone says do you remember where you were when....? In this case it will be when Barack Obama was inaugurated. Today I witnessed a historic occasion and the importance was not lost on me. I watched the swearing in inside the school auditorium with 6th, 7th and 8th graders, colleagues, and administrators. We were a diverse group, Koreans, African Americans, Caucasians, Filipinos, Japanese, Hispanics, young, old and yet we all sat in silence (or near they are middle schoolers after all!) and took in what was happening on the screen. Our new President talking about hard work and picking ourselves up, a country ready to lead again. The auditorium erupted in cheers time and again. They were listening and excited by this man who in their eyes has come to make their lives better.

I listened too. I listened to every word from we are in trouble to we can come through this and be better than before. I heard the message and I believe him. I believe it is a time for change in this country and I believe Barack Obama is the man to do it. Putting this country back together is no small task. Fortunately, President Obama has the weight of the American people behind him. I know he has the weight of my students behind him and from what I have seen if they put their mind to something watch out!

2008 - What Made it Great

I couldn't resist with the title! But really though I want to reflect and encourage you to reflect on what made this past year such a life altering year for us all. I don't think we consider enough how much the small yes's and no's, little changes here and there, and the huge life altering decisions that we make really create each year for us. So take a moment, look back and see what did you do that shaped 2008 for you. Here's mine:

January 1st - started reading the Bible, one slow day at a time and sometimes a whole month at once to catch up but I did it, on December 31st, 2008 I finished reading the entire bible and it changed me. It may have confused me more than clarified things but it had an impact and that's what matters.

Quit my job without having a new one lined up, not something I recommend to others. It was scary but strangely freeing. And turned out to be a great decision that I would not discover for many agonizing months.

Got a new job. After several anxiety ridden months and facing life in a cardboard box I pulled myself together and figured out how to get a job in a big city, you beg. It worked. I got the job I wanted and that I love. Thank you George.

Moved to Los Angeles, the biggest city in the world. Well probably not but it is for me. It is huge and scary and there are millions of people and cars and I never thought I would leave the tiny apartment we were going to be forced to live in. But then we found this amazing house and I drove to work and now I can drive many places as long as I have my GPS friend.

Became a patient at the Cedar Sinai Pain Center where they are helping me to control my headaches through means other than medication, I feel hopeful for the future and less pain.

Went back to church. I hadn't been attended church regularly in three years and had found other things to do with my Sunday mornings. Sarah encouraged me to try a church in Los Angeles and I agreed. I liked it and have been going back ever sense.

Back to school. Since I became an official teacher three years ago I have had this idea that I wanted to get my National Certification. Among educator's this is an elite group and not easily attained. I knew with the move to LA I would have to get my Masters and then I found out I could get my National Certification instead. It is a faster and less expensive alternative but like I said is more difficult. I have three more months and and a big test to take.

There are many more events that shaped the year for me, the presidential election, two visits to Michigan and one to Texas, a very long road trip, becoming addicted to facebook :-), moving my self for the first time, and much much more.

So what made it great for you?