There are two kinds of choices; big ones and little ones. I am horrible at making the little ones. I can never decide where to have dinner, when to take my car to the garage, when to go to the movies or what movie. These are the things I struggle with. The everyday choices that are not life or death, not life changing. But I have this innate fear that I will make the wrong choice and someone will be unhappy or there is some better possibility out there. This I am working on, slowly.
The big choices, the life changing ones, these are the ones I tend to make easily. I never thought much about where to go to college. I visited Western once, applied and didn't look back. I once decided in less than 24 four hours to drop summer classes and work in Appalachia for three months. I also made the decision in less than 3 hours to move 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew for a job. When Sarah wanted to move to LA I said sure, let's go! I bought the first car I looked at (after getting in the trunk of course). I decided to become nationally certified in 1 afternoon.
Now I am faced with a big choice once again. And I can't get a read on it. It has never been like this before. I always know deep down inside what I am supposed to do. Work hasn't been easy this past year and I am again faced with unemployment and the uncertainty of being a substitute with no contract.
Then there's this opportunity. This job opening that appeared quickly and people all around me said go for it. You don't owe the school district anything, do what's best for you. But I am hesitant. Not because the job is an office job more or less. But because it is not sitting right inside. Maybe that's part of growing up. The crazy, life altering choices aren't as easy because there is more at stake. More people to think about, bills and insurance premiums. Expectations.
Yesterday a friend ask me what my five year plan is. I replied that I don't know what my 5 day plan is. It's true, for someone who likes to be organized and is anxious about every single thing, I don't have a plan. I don't know what the future looks like. I have always just gone with what opportunities present themselves and hoped for the best.
I like how things have gone so far. I have seen and experienced things that I never thought I would growing up. But as the choices get bigger and the safety net smaller I am at a crosswords that will change my path.
And then as I write this I think - hey, don't worry. You'll be sure when you need to be. And maybe I will be. One thing I know for sure, without a doubt is that God knows my 5 year plan and beyond so it's ok that I don't right now!
