Not an Option

In the fall of 2003 I was in the midst of my student teaching assignment. I remember a talk I had with my mentor wherein I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a teacher. This after 4 and a 1/2 years of school in order to do just that. I was tired and running on empty, I felt as though I were being called to something else. One day after a social studies lesson to the first graders I was teaching my mentor wrote in my journal something I will never forget. She wrote, "You can't not teach, this is your calling. Whatever road you choose, you will educate".

7 years later as I am struggling to find a permanent job, have worked in some crazy places, faced budget deficits, training after training and encountered kids from every walk of life I know this is true.

For a while this summer I was under the impression I was at a crossroads. That my tenure in education was over and I was on to find something bigger, better to do with my life. I was wrong, the only crossroads I am facing is where will I teach next. I am a teacher. I see clearly that my mentor was correct, I cannot not teach, it's who I am.

Top Ten Best Things About Michigan in the Summer

Thanks to summer vacation and my parents I was able to spend three fun filled weeks in my hometown. Here's a list of the best things about it!

10. Air Conditioning. When the humidity hits in Michigan you can bet you are gonna want air. Thankfully my parents had it installed years ago and it was so nice to sleep cooly!

9. Water. Michigan has lots of water and we took advantage. From the Niblocks swimming pool to the fresh water lake complete with seaweed to the clear clean water of the Rolling Hills wave pool and lazy river.

8. Cheap movie tickets. Only after living in LA can I appreciate the $4.50 matinee at Brighton's MJR Cinema. Over the 3 weeks I saw "Despicable Me", "A-Team", "Toy Story 3", "Knight and Day", "Eclipse", and "Iron Man 2".

7. Books! I love love love to read. I can't read much during the year because once I start a book I can't put it down. Through the last 21 days I read NINE books and they were all great!

6. Catching up. When I get home I try to catch up with people and see what's been happening. This time I was able to visit with friends from college, old family friends and of course the grandparents! Grandma Mac is settled into the nursing home and being well taken care of and grandma and grandpa Cows are selling the homestead and headed for a condo while Grandma Millie is continuing to enjoy her friends in Lansing.

5. Games. I was able to take in part of a Lugnuts game after a nasty thunderstorm receded a bit and have a great meal courtesy of Chem Trend and their anniversary celebration. Euchre was the name of the game at our place this year as my mom defended her trophy nightly. Dad didn't have too much luck but I am sure he'll be ready next time.

4. Sleeping. Let's get one thing straight, sleeping is in no way over rated. I slept in, went to bed early, and took naps. Basically slept as much as possible.

3. Food. No vacation is complete without good food and we were not in short supply. Bar-B-Ques a plenty were had, s'mores, ice cream birthday cake for Ms. Emma's 5th, potato salad, and Johnny Carino's, but nothing tops mom's baked beans!!!!

2. Sights. I lived in Michigan for 25 years and am surprised to continually find new things and enjoy the old. We took a fantastic tour of the Frederick Meijer Gardens, played some spectacular golf (if I do say so myself) and hit King Cone TWICE!!!!

1. Family. Plain and simple. I love my family. I have said it before and I will say it again, my parents are the most loving, supportive and giving people around. They even paid a bucket load so I could stay an extra week for more fun!

Memorial Day

Growing up Memorial Day was an important day in our family. We would get up early, go to the parade and listen to the speeches thanking falling soldiers and watching the wreaths float out into the water. Then the guns. I was always so scared of the gunfire. The noise.

My father served in the Air Force, his father in the Army. My mother's father in the Navy. When I was young my best friend's father was deployed during the first Gulf War. When I moved to Yuma I met many families who watched their loved ones go to the current Gulf War. But never have I experienced the true meaning of this holiday as I did this weekend.

Saturday Sarah and I drove to Camp Pendleton to spend some time with our friend Julie. I first met Julie in Yuma where her husband Wayne served in the Marine Corp. Currently Julie and Wayne have 2 children ages 5 and 3. Two beautiful, brilliant children. Saturday night we went the base family fun center bowled and ate pizza. We chatted a while and then went to bed. Sunday dawned early as the kids were up and raring to go! I jumped on the trampoline with the kids, watched cartoons and ate breakfast burritos. We chatted with the neighbor and had a great time.

I did not see Wayne this trip because he is in Afghanistan. He is serving his country while his family lives a seemingly normal life here in southern California. Of the 20 occupied houses on Julie's street 18 of them have husbands and fathers who are deployed. That is one street in one neighborhood on one military base.

This Memorial Day was special, I was able to see into the world that few get to see. I experienced the vacancy in a family. Julie and the kids are doing well, they are happy, busy and enjoying summer. But there is a vacancy in their house. One that will be happily filled this fall when Wayne returns to the United States.

Play Time!

Tomorrow I am again taking kids on a Saturday field trip. It is the third one. We have gone to the beach for team building, visited UCLA for a tour and now are going to Mulligans Family Fun Center. This one is strictly for fun, no learning, unless I learn how to drive a go kart!

The best thing about these field trips has been to see the kids out of the school realm. Seeing them learn without books, play and be kids. Tomorrow should prove yet another fun time as we embark on a day of laser tag, go karts, batting cages and junk food!

Out of the Fog

I have been gone a while. I wasn't out of town or doing anything exciting. I was in a fog. The problem with depression is that it is incredibly hard to see when you are in its midst. I was first diagnosed and medicated for depression in 2000. My medication had changed a couple times and I had talk therapy but for the most part things were better. Then, in March, I realized something. I had sunk back into that part of my life that is depression. Sarah went out of town for a week and I was on my own. I suddenly noticed that without someone else there I was sleeping all the time, not eating, not myself. Although it is difficult to admit there is a problem I called a guy and we talked for a few weeks, he changed my medication and voila! Just like that I am doing better, I am out of the fog. I feel more like myself, have more energy and am looking forward to things again.

So that's where I have been. I am back now and for anyone still reading this after all this time I am blogging again.

New Journey

I am embarking on a new journey as I round the corner to 30. This is a "if you don't do what the doctor says you might be be in real trouble" journey. As some of you may remember on May 17, 1997 I had knee surgery. At that time the doctors told me I would eventually need surgery again but at 17 I wasn't really thinking that far ahead and I didn't think it would be this soon.

After about three months of pain this winter I went to the doctor and after about ten seconds he said, it's worn out. Now, I am not paraphrasing. That is what he said. It's worn out. My knee cap that is, the knee itself is OK. So I have two options for surgery. They are both open and not arthroscopic which means a long recovery and lots of rehab.

I started physical therapy on Monday and came home looking like this (see picture above). Til this point the pain has been annoying and uncomfortable but when this tape was put on it became intolerable. It is supposed to hold the knee in the right place but so far it just hurts.

I was also told to take off the weight. I know this but it hasn't really sunk in yet. A few years ago I lost almost 50 lbs and have put most of it back on. The doctor said it would take pressure off the knee. He wants me on a treadmill or in a pool. Not an elliptical. Apparently I am too tall for it so I have to decide if I want to join a gym. This is yet another part of the journey I am not prepared for.

So begins my journey. I will find out more about the surgery in a couple weeks and decide if I will go through with it, right now it's a little scary to commit to. So I am committing to buying new tennis shoes at the request of the physical therapist and researching gyms.

Choices

There are two kinds of choices; big ones and little ones. I am horrible at making the little ones. I can never decide where to have dinner, when to take my car to the garage, when to go to the movies or what movie. These are the things I struggle with. The everyday choices that are not life or death, not life changing. But I have this innate fear that I will make the wrong choice and someone will be unhappy or there is some better possibility out there. This I am working on, slowly.

The big choices, the life changing ones, these are the ones I tend to make easily. I never thought much about where to go to college. I visited Western once, applied and didn't look back. I once decided in less than 24 four hours to drop summer classes and work in Appalachia for three months. I also made the decision in less than 3 hours to move 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew for a job. When Sarah wanted to move to LA I said sure, let's go! I bought the first car I looked at (after getting in the trunk of course). I decided to become nationally certified in 1 afternoon.

Now I am faced with a big choice once again. And I can't get a read on it. It has never been like this before. I always know deep down inside what I am supposed to do. Work hasn't been easy this past year and I am again faced with unemployment and the uncertainty of being a substitute with no contract.

Then there's this opportunity. This job opening that appeared quickly and people all around me said go for it. You don't owe the school district anything, do what's best for you. But I am hesitant. Not because the job is an office job more or less. But because it is not sitting right inside. Maybe that's part of growing up. The crazy, life altering choices aren't as easy because there is more at stake. More people to think about, bills and insurance premiums. Expectations.

Yesterday a friend ask me what my five year plan is. I replied that I don't know what my 5 day plan is. It's true, for someone who likes to be organized and is anxious about every single thing, I don't have a plan. I don't know what the future looks like. I have always just gone with what opportunities present themselves and hoped for the best.

I like how things have gone so far. I have seen and experienced things that I never thought I would growing up. But as the choices get bigger and the safety net smaller I am at a crosswords that will change my path.

And then as I write this I think - hey, don't worry. You'll be sure when you need to be. And maybe I will be. One thing I know for sure, without a doubt is that God knows my 5 year plan and beyond so it's ok that I don't right now!

My Lent Devotion

II Corinthians 5: 16-18

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; the old has passed away – the new has come.

I recently discovered where the phrase “forgive and forget” comes from. This passage tells us that God sent Jesus to make us right with him. God forgives everything that we need him to, no questions asked. God is not holding a grudge against us for the day he can hold it over our heads. It is forgotten, gone, never to be remembered again.

Unfortunately, the person we often need to forgive is the one person we can’t, ourselves. As we live our lives day in and day out we are the constant reminder of our past mistakes, holding it over our own heads, making us miserable.

God knows our lives are too precious to dwell on the past, which is why he sent Jesus. He needs us to be at our best everyday to show others what his love and forgiveness can do for them. We are so blessed to know the love that Christ showed us on the cross; we need to share it with others.

To forgive and forget is not easy, but start with yourself and discover just how free you will be to share God’s love and message with others.

Ash Wednesday

This is a picture of my forehead last night after the Ash Wednesday service at Hollywood United Methodist Church. I touched it up a bit so don't worry I am not Jaundice! My last post was Nov. 24th, a rough week for me personally. Today I have a completely different outlook.

Jesus spent 40 days in the dessert being tempted in order to save me and last night kicked off the annual time that Christians take to remember that journey and prepare for the Crucifixion. I was immediately reminded that not everyone is as blessed as I am to celebrate this day, not Fat Tuesday, but the day that represents temptation, denial, and a journey. I stopped at Yogurtland for a snack on my way home and as I walked in the door I heard, "Hey, is it Ash Wednesday?" The question wasn't directed at me but I knew my forehead was responsible for the thought.

At the beginning of December I made a commitment to myself to do better. Not at work or with family or with anything in particular. Just better. And I have. I feel good most days and can honestly say that I have done better. I have taken time to appreciate what I have. Last night I was again reminded of the blessed life that I lead as I sat and had homemade soup and great conversation with fellow churchgoers, worshipped my heart out and ate some mighty fine frozen yogurt and then to come home, watch the US win a gold medal and fall into bed happy.

Here are some other things that are a part of my blessed life:

Sarah - it is so amazing to have a best friend and confident to come home to in this big city. She laughs with me (and at me), cries with me, listens to my stories and encourages me constantly.

My Job - I spent a long time being angry that I did not have the job I wanted but once I accepted the situation for what it was I found out I am enjoying my art classes and embarking on an adventure with reading intervention.

Middle school students - They amaze me. I constantly learn from them and laugh with them and have great conversations on the state of the world, grocery shopping, parents and love. I love that I hear "Hi Ms. Knapp" at least 100 times a day and I never get tired of saying hi back.

Trace - An acupuncturist who I begrudgingly went to see with little hope about a year ago has turned into a confidant, a healer and friend. Because if her I can manage my migraines better than I have on any medication in the past.

The Twilight Series - yeah. I said it. I got the series for Christmas and read it all in two weeks. It renewed my interest in reading, I try to read a little every night before I go to sleep now.

My parents - For teaching me everyday to live the "what would Jesus do?" credo. I am amazed by their selfless acts and strive to live a life of service for others as they have.

There is so much more than will fit in this blog, I am overwhelmingly blessed today and everyday and I am excited to take a Lenten journey to find out how I can do better because I know I can.