A Journey

Thirteen months ago, October 4, 2008 to be exact, I started a journey to be a Nationally Board Certified Teacher. I was excited and nervous for the endeavor as I had been told stories of how hard and arduous the process can be but I was determined. Some of that came from being in a new system where many of the teachers and staff were better educated than I was with masters degrees and doctorates. Some of it came from wanting to be busy as Sarah was going to night school and I was going to be alone in the house a lot. But most of all, I wanted it. For me. I wanted to not worry that if I moved again I had to get a new certificate and take tests and I wanted to be able to stay in the middle school setting.

So I logged 47 hours of meetings and trainings and work sessions. I spent every Saturday for 6 months writing, reviewing, and critiquing my own teaching. What do I do as a teacher? How do my students respond and am I able to give them what they need? What is a professional teacher? Have I become one and how do I prove it? These are just a couple of the questions that I spent hours discussing in my head and with those going through the process too. I spent much of my own time working, writing, thinking, researching. And of course I dragged Sarah into it as my editor, contributor and crutch.

Sarah videotaped my class a bunch of times until I got exactly what I needed to submit 2 - 15 minute DVD's of my teaching to determine my fate. I met a great friend who came over many nights to work together so we could be the strongest candidates possible. I took practice assessments in sessions that lasted 2-4 hours and learned terminology and pedagogy til I couldn't think straight.

I mailed the portfolio and took the 4 hour assessment and just like that it was over. Rather, I had to pretend it was over because that was June and the results don't come out until November. As the day approached to find out my fate I was a wreck, I picked a huge fight with Sarah over something stupid, I couldn't sleep, the usual stress induced stuff. Then last Friday the scores were released.

I didn't pass.

I called Sarah from school, tearful, and told her. I posted on facebook and twitter. I needed it to be out there, to be real. I immediately texted my friend to find out her fate. She passed! (and I am so happy and proud of her). Then came the tears. I couldn't stop. I tried and tried and tried to suck it up. I went to the hallway and gave myself a pep talk but it was too much. I called for coverage and headed home defeated. Sarah sat with me for an hour while I cried. There was nothing to say, nothing to make it better. I talked to mom and dad and they were so great. Mom got angry that someone would dare say I wasn't good enough and dad said "this test doesn't define you".

I couldn't hear any of it. I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself, feeling as if I had let everyone down. Sarah had worked hard on this project too, helping me be the best I could be, my parents were supportive through the whole process and had helped pay for it. I couldn't bear that they be disappointed in me. Then Sarah made pancakes and made me laugh. I went to see my acupuncturist who calmed my body down and let me sleep for a while. I left the appointment feeling much better. I came home, picked Sarah up and we went off to the movies. It was good not to think of it.

Sunday morning in church I got teary, and then cried again when my pastor mentioned it. I am not ready to talk about it yet face to face with anyone. It hurts.

BUT - I know that my dad was right. This test does not define me or my teaching. My portfolio scores were fantastic which means the people scoring my actual teaching thought I was fabulous and that I have gone above and beyond in the community, my profession and with the families of my students. That is something I am proud of. I believe that teaching is personal, that in order to really teach one has to know their students and that I do that is evident.

The downfall was the written assessment. A 4 hour test taken on a computer where you are given 6 prompts to answer. When I left the assessment center I couldn't tell anyone what the prompts were because I didn't remember. I still don't. I couldn't tell you what I wrote because those memories are not there. Evidently I had test anxiety and froze up.

I can take the test again in the spring and I might. I haven't decided, I still have some time. I can wait up to 2 years to retake it. This has been a difficult year, getting laid off, being a substitute and creating an art curriculum.

I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that I am a good teacher. In fact, I am a great teacher. I have been in the trenches, experienced a lot in different parts of the country and learned more than I ever thought I could. The test doesn't define me, I define myself.

5 Weeks

I have been quiet these past five weeks. My life has not been quiet, there have been birthdays, out of town visitors, work, girls nights, all the usual yet I have been quiet here. There is a reason, one I can't really explain except to say that I know when it is time to blog, time to share with the world and I haven't had that moment of knowing until just now.

With my current placement as an art teacher I find that I have more free time on my hands than I would like. I have the internet in my classroom so I spend more time now than ever before staying abreast of the news cycle. I am an avid LA Times and CNN reader now, I read everything they post. This week has been difficult in the news with the Fort Hood shootings and the appeal of the D.C. Sniper for his life to be spared. It wasn't, a short while ago John Allen Muhammed was given a lethal injection.

I in no way want to start a death penalty debate with anyone so please do not misunderstand me, I am very aware of the pain that this man brought to a city, a nation. I was there with everyone, watching as law enforcement was helpless to stop the killing, I was there watching as the men responsible were arrested and everyone breathed easier if only for a moment. I do not understand what motivates someone to kill innocent people. I only know that this man caused undo pain and suffering to countless people through his actions. Was it right for the justice system to sentence him to death. I don't know. I do know that I felt sadness when I read the headline declaring his death tonight. I won't apologize for that sadness. What I know is that another person is dead tonight - wrong or right someone else has died. Added to the people who were shot in TX and Florida in the past week it is another death stacked on.

As I sit here I am reminded of something that I read quite sometime ago "All men and women whom I have faced at that final moment convince me that in what I have done I have not prevented a single murder" A statement by Britain's last hangman, Albert Peirrepoint. I do not feel that the death penalty saves lives. More people are killed today than ever before despite the death penalty.

I pray for John Allen Muhammed, for his family and the families of those whom he killed. I pray for those investigating the Fort Hood shootings and all of the families that feel a little less secure in their fortress tonight. I pray for the justice system and that decisions are made in fair, non-biased ways. I pray for our nation - that we can find peace among the war that wages and I pray for myself - that I can trust in God, his timing and be made whole in his spirit.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up." ~ Anne Lamott

So here's to not giving up today, tomorrow and the day after that. Hope. Sometimes it's all we have, knowing that makes my heart a bit lighter tonight.