It has been a whirlwind spring! Things are wrapped up at school finally. I am still officially laid off but that could change at anytime so fingers crossed. Mom and dad arrived after their cross country trek and we have been sightseeing, eating at fun restaurants, and having fun being together for over three weeks now. Our time is drawing to a close as they will go on their way through Texas and then home.
I had a bad fall at work on the 15th of this month carrying a crate of books to my car, my heel got caught in a crack and I went down hard on cement. I landed on my left foot and right side of my back. I have been in physical therapy for the injuries and am feeling better but still wearing a back brace fit for a Wal-Mart employee and have a hematoma in my abdomen that is of some concern to me but not to the doctors ;-). The good news is that workmans comp is paying for everything, 1 for me!
As things settle down over the next week I will fill you in on some more stuff that has happened, in the mean time check out my exciting adventures of peeing on a mouse via Sarah's blog.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Retirement
I was going to blog about me because that's what I usually do ;-) But I changed my mind after I got an e-mail filled with pictures of my parents recent trip to all over (they went a lot of places). My parents have worked hard for as long as I can remember. During the week they went to work during the day and either church or school stuff at night, on the weekends more church and house chores, family stuff. We very rarely had a time when we didn't have something to do as a family. I am sure no one reading this know what I am talking about!
We went on lots of vacations but there was always that sense of getting laundry done, back to work, etc... Then about a year ago they made a decision. Retirement was beckoning. I didn't believe it. My dad has always joked about it but he loved his job and my mom, although didn't like her job, has the same fears of the unknown that I do. They kept saying it was happening, then all of sudden other people knew and it was becoming more real. Then it happened. I was happy for them but not sure what it meant. They didn't go to work anymore. I changed numbers in my speed dial and my dad got a new cel phone but what else. What were they going to do.
Travel. That's what they said. I was unsure. We are not the most spontaneous family but off they went to Florida and made a bunch of stops along the way. Every time they called they were visiting some friend or family member. It was crazy, I kept calling to make sure they were OK sure that something bad would happen because it was too good to be true.
Then tonight I got the pictures of their several week long journey. And I cried. Big, happy, thankful tears of joy. I honestly can't tell you the last time my mom looked that relaxed or my dad looked like he was having that much fun.
My parents have spent a lifetime serving God, raising two daughters, taking care of family, and giving everything to everyone else - they deserve every trip, roadside diner, hotel room and ghost town in their future.
They are driving across the country to visit Sarah and I for a few weeks at the end of the month and I can't wait to experience this new found freedom with them!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Follow Through
In sports the follow follow through is the most important thing if you want to be successful. You can't succeed without it. In golf (the only sport I really excel at) one has to follow through on the swing, a lot of people think the back swing is the most important but it's not. If you don't come all the way through correctly your ball won't go the right way. And in basket ball if you don't follow through on your shot the chances of making it go in the basket go down significantly. I am sure there are many other sports where this is true but my knowledge is limited (insert jokes and laughter here).
In teaching the follow through is incredibly important as well. I have learned that the hard way in the past. The stakes are high when dealing with kids. They expect you to follow through on EVERYTHING, even if you say something in passing or by mistake. Sometimes it is hard to remember everything I say which is why I am careful not to make promises to my kids I know I can't keep good or bad.
I wrote before about Ricardo, the student who recently got out of the gang and has been doing better. He has begun to slide as far as his grades and attendance. We (those that are involved in his care at school) are starting to come down on him and yesterday I had to take him in to the administration for a "real" talk. It was tough, he doesn't want to take responsibility, wants us to lay off and let him be. I had to tell him that unless he starts to take this very seriously I'm out. This is difficult for me. I have invested every lunch period and at least 2 hours a week of other time for three months into him.
For a kid like Ricardo being tough is the only way to get through to him and following through is the only way to make it stick. I don't want out. He's got a good heart and has made progress and I don't give up without a fight but I will. I will be sad and heartbroken but come Monday morning at 7:49 if he's not in my room I'm out and he knows it. The balls in his court and it's time for him to follow through.
In teaching the follow through is incredibly important as well. I have learned that the hard way in the past. The stakes are high when dealing with kids. They expect you to follow through on EVERYTHING, even if you say something in passing or by mistake. Sometimes it is hard to remember everything I say which is why I am careful not to make promises to my kids I know I can't keep good or bad.
I wrote before about Ricardo, the student who recently got out of the gang and has been doing better. He has begun to slide as far as his grades and attendance. We (those that are involved in his care at school) are starting to come down on him and yesterday I had to take him in to the administration for a "real" talk. It was tough, he doesn't want to take responsibility, wants us to lay off and let him be. I had to tell him that unless he starts to take this very seriously I'm out. This is difficult for me. I have invested every lunch period and at least 2 hours a week of other time for three months into him.
For a kid like Ricardo being tough is the only way to get through to him and following through is the only way to make it stick. I don't want out. He's got a good heart and has made progress and I don't give up without a fight but I will. I will be sad and heartbroken but come Monday morning at 7:49 if he's not in my room I'm out and he knows it. The balls in his court and it's time for him to follow through.
Monday, April 20, 2009
First Sermon from Couch
I am a firm believer in rules, they are created because people did not have common sense to not do the right thing therefore someone created a label for the action that must be followed in order for society to continue without chaos.
I do not cross the street when the orange hand is up, I do not drink milk after the date on the carton, I do not dry my hair in or near the bathtub and I stand on the square at the pharmacy until the person in front of me is done.
I believe that if a person breaks a rule they should suffer the consequences. If you speed, you get a ticket, you hurt, threaten, endanger or try to hurt someone you should go to jail. You skip school, detention, you skip jury duty, bench warrant. I think you get the picture.
I am not saying I am right, and that all rules are in people's best interests. I am simply saying that I like rules because I can control things when there are rules. God likes rules too. He has lots of them. There are the ten big ones like don't kill, honor your mother and father, etc... and the other miscellaneous ones you know like love everyone and clothe everyone and feed the poor and don't be a hypocrite. Come to think of it I think God likes rules more than I do and his punishments used to be a lot more strict. He lightened up a lot when Jesus showed up but most people do get busy when they have kids.
Amos 7:7-8 reads "This is what he showed me; the Lord was standing beside a wall built with a plumb line, with a plumb line in his hand. And the Lord said to me, 'Amos, what do you see?' And I said, 'A plumb line.' Then the Lord said, 'See I am setting a plumb line in the midst of my people Israel."
I went on a mission trip in college to Coalmont, TN and was asked to build a boarder of 6X6s around a playground in 2 days with some rebar and a couple of sledgehammers. There were like 8 of us college students and our pastor. It was my first mission trip and I didn't have a lot of experience with building. Thankfully someone on our team came up with the idea to use a rock from the playground and the string from our nametags to make a plumbline to make the border straight. Folks, it wasn't striaght but those elementary school kids didn't care; they got to use thier new playground after months of looking at it because it had a border and I learned what a plumb line was.
That trip taught me that sometimes rules don't apply, you just have to make stuff up as you go along and hope for the best. While I do believe that rules keep me safe and I do follow the most important ones, I also make exceptions.
As a teacher I break rules for my students when I see how hard they are working or if a second chance is needed (or a third, fourth...). I am learning to accept that the expectations I set for myself aren't hard and fast rules but more of a plumb line that can be crooked as long as the path is in the right direction. Everyday I get up and make more mistakes and set my path straight again according to the plumb line I hope God has set for me.
God set a plumb line to judge the Isrealites because no one keeps all the rules, no one has a perfectly straight path. There are twists and turns and as long as we keep God's plumb line in our sights we will never break God's rule over our hearts.
I do not cross the street when the orange hand is up, I do not drink milk after the date on the carton, I do not dry my hair in or near the bathtub and I stand on the square at the pharmacy until the person in front of me is done.
I believe that if a person breaks a rule they should suffer the consequences. If you speed, you get a ticket, you hurt, threaten, endanger or try to hurt someone you should go to jail. You skip school, detention, you skip jury duty, bench warrant. I think you get the picture.
I am not saying I am right, and that all rules are in people's best interests. I am simply saying that I like rules because I can control things when there are rules. God likes rules too. He has lots of them. There are the ten big ones like don't kill, honor your mother and father, etc... and the other miscellaneous ones you know like love everyone and clothe everyone and feed the poor and don't be a hypocrite. Come to think of it I think God likes rules more than I do and his punishments used to be a lot more strict. He lightened up a lot when Jesus showed up but most people do get busy when they have kids.
Amos 7:7-8 reads "This is what he showed me; the Lord was standing beside a wall built with a plumb line, with a plumb line in his hand. And the Lord said to me, 'Amos, what do you see?' And I said, 'A plumb line.' Then the Lord said, 'See I am setting a plumb line in the midst of my people Israel."
I went on a mission trip in college to Coalmont, TN and was asked to build a boarder of 6X6s around a playground in 2 days with some rebar and a couple of sledgehammers. There were like 8 of us college students and our pastor. It was my first mission trip and I didn't have a lot of experience with building. Thankfully someone on our team came up with the idea to use a rock from the playground and the string from our nametags to make a plumbline to make the border straight. Folks, it wasn't striaght but those elementary school kids didn't care; they got to use thier new playground after months of looking at it because it had a border and I learned what a plumb line was.
That trip taught me that sometimes rules don't apply, you just have to make stuff up as you go along and hope for the best. While I do believe that rules keep me safe and I do follow the most important ones, I also make exceptions.
As a teacher I break rules for my students when I see how hard they are working or if a second chance is needed (or a third, fourth...). I am learning to accept that the expectations I set for myself aren't hard and fast rules but more of a plumb line that can be crooked as long as the path is in the right direction. Everyday I get up and make more mistakes and set my path straight again according to the plumb line I hope God has set for me.
God set a plumb line to judge the Isrealites because no one keeps all the rules, no one has a perfectly straight path. There are twists and turns and as long as we keep God's plumb line in our sights we will never break God's rule over our hearts.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Saturday!
I can't remember looking forward to a day more in a long time! Tomorrow is a free day. It's not spring break when I felt obligated to get things done yet was in a lot pf pain the entire time. My National Board portfolio is done and the test isn't until May 16th.
I am free as a bird, the weather is going to be great and I am planning a big day. Spending some time in the back yard sunning (not a lot due the fear of skin cancer), cleaning the house (it's dirty), and watching a movie.
Sarah has some weird notion of grocery shopping but I say forget it, too much stress! There is too much stress in my life anyway and I am getting rid if it. Lost my job, oh well, being proactive and working on getting another one. Not feeling well, oh well, dealing with it, sleeping and yoga. Can't sleep, breathing exercises and reading.
This is a new calm I have accepted. I have decided that other than the job and money and health thing I like it here in LA and I am going to make it work so this is how. I will see how long it lasts. Pretty random blog I realize but not much else is going on these days.
I am free as a bird, the weather is going to be great and I am planning a big day. Spending some time in the back yard sunning (not a lot due the fear of skin cancer), cleaning the house (it's dirty), and watching a movie.
Sarah has some weird notion of grocery shopping but I say forget it, too much stress! There is too much stress in my life anyway and I am getting rid if it. Lost my job, oh well, being proactive and working on getting another one. Not feeling well, oh well, dealing with it, sleeping and yoga. Can't sleep, breathing exercises and reading.
This is a new calm I have accepted. I have decided that other than the job and money and health thing I like it here in LA and I am going to make it work so this is how. I will see how long it lasts. Pretty random blog I realize but not much else is going on these days.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Proud Mama Bear
Since the beginning of February I have been working twice a week in a program to help students who are struggling in English. I go in to their English class during my conference period and do whatever the class is doing that day to help them keep up. It has been a challenge and very rewarding. I have met new students, worked with two new teachers and because I am paid for the time I have to make up my conference period. Because I also tutor after school on Mondays I go in at 6:50 and am there until 4 with just a 30 minute lunch break. Or so it seems.
One of the students I am working with is tremendously artistically talented. He is funny, hardworking when motivated and trying to turn his life around. When I first met him he asked me for a favor which led me to of course ask questions which of course got me involved in his life. Long story short he is a 12 year old who has been in a gang, has a tattoo, is getting the tattoo removed (that's where I came in) and is now out of the gang and focusing on school and art. My job is to help him get his English homework turned in and figure out how to get him to show up for homeroom. He missed 6 months of homeroom before he met me. Since meeting me he has made it twice. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Every day he does not come to homeroom he has lunch detention with me which is why my thirty minute break is not really a break but it gives us time to get his work done. This is his latest project and I couldn't be more proud, he entered the Google Doodle contest and was one of 6 entries picked from my school to go to the national competition. This is a giant leap in the right direction as he had to come up with the idea, draw it (there were many drafts), get a consent form signed (which asks where you were born, who knew it could be a complicated question??????) and get it all in by the due date.
He did it and I am so proud, I don't care if he wins, I know this is part of his path to where he needs to be. Like many others in his situation, he is a strong, smart, lovable child with never ending potential. Key word being child. I know what he has gone through in his short life and for him to create this drawing for the topic "What I Wish for the World" shows a lot about what is inside the hardened kids I and so many others see everyday.
http://picasaweb.google.com/charlie.unk/Google2009?feat=directlink#5317614612790904850
One of the students I am working with is tremendously artistically talented. He is funny, hardworking when motivated and trying to turn his life around. When I first met him he asked me for a favor which led me to of course ask questions which of course got me involved in his life. Long story short he is a 12 year old who has been in a gang, has a tattoo, is getting the tattoo removed (that's where I came in) and is now out of the gang and focusing on school and art. My job is to help him get his English homework turned in and figure out how to get him to show up for homeroom. He missed 6 months of homeroom before he met me. Since meeting me he has made it twice. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Every day he does not come to homeroom he has lunch detention with me which is why my thirty minute break is not really a break but it gives us time to get his work done. This is his latest project and I couldn't be more proud, he entered the Google Doodle contest and was one of 6 entries picked from my school to go to the national competition. This is a giant leap in the right direction as he had to come up with the idea, draw it (there were many drafts), get a consent form signed (which asks where you were born, who knew it could be a complicated question??????) and get it all in by the due date.
He did it and I am so proud, I don't care if he wins, I know this is part of his path to where he needs to be. Like many others in his situation, he is a strong, smart, lovable child with never ending potential. Key word being child. I know what he has gone through in his short life and for him to create this drawing for the topic "What I Wish for the World" shows a lot about what is inside the hardened kids I and so many others see everyday.
http://picasaweb.google.com/charlie.unk/Google2009?feat=directlink#5317614612790904850
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Solidarity leads to Chaos
In a show of solidarity yesterday the union rep at my school hung a giant pink ribbon on my door with a copy of the pink slip I received to let all the parents know I was being laid off. We were having a spring open house and it was a protest of sorts. It worked, lots of parents expressed sympathy and told me how much they appreciated what I had done for their children. It was a little awkward for me but it was a nice gesture.
That was it. I thought. Then I left. Without taking the giant pink ribbon and letter off the door.
As I walked to my room this morning I was greeted by panicked faces, scared students and a wall of 7th graders who physically tried to stop me from getting to my classroom. It took me a minute to figure out was going on. The ribbon and letter were still there and they thought I didn't know. They were trying to stop me from seeing it. The gesture itself almost brought me to my knees.
I quickly explained to them that I knew it was there, why it was there, what it meant to me and to them and it was even pointed out to me that the letter was 5 paragraphs (other teachers laugh here).
I spent the next 20 minutes trying to calm the hysteria, most of them aren't buying the party line though, they know what's happening as many of them have parents working in the district.
I have been hearing a lot lately that it is a bad time to be an educator with all the cuts but frankly I think it's a bad time to be a student, education itself is suffering and I am not sure I can continue to be a part of it. These kids deserve so much better than what we as an institution offer them. Since I found out that I would be laid off I have been doing some serious thinking about my future. Is my future in teaching? I have spent a lifetime preparing for it, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But now as I consider packing up my entire classroom again, moving it all to a new room and unpacking it. The organization alone is overwhelming. Not to mention learning a new school's procedures spoken and unspoken, meeting a whole new staff, being the new kid on the block even though I'm not new to teaching. It is enough to make me consider looking into some other kind of work.
And then I think I think of the faces this morning, the way my students wanted to protect me from the bad news. The way they reacted. And I think who could walk away from this.
That was it. I thought. Then I left. Without taking the giant pink ribbon and letter off the door.
As I walked to my room this morning I was greeted by panicked faces, scared students and a wall of 7th graders who physically tried to stop me from getting to my classroom. It took me a minute to figure out was going on. The ribbon and letter were still there and they thought I didn't know. They were trying to stop me from seeing it. The gesture itself almost brought me to my knees.
I quickly explained to them that I knew it was there, why it was there, what it meant to me and to them and it was even pointed out to me that the letter was 5 paragraphs (other teachers laugh here).
I spent the next 20 minutes trying to calm the hysteria, most of them aren't buying the party line though, they know what's happening as many of them have parents working in the district.
I have been hearing a lot lately that it is a bad time to be an educator with all the cuts but frankly I think it's a bad time to be a student, education itself is suffering and I am not sure I can continue to be a part of it. These kids deserve so much better than what we as an institution offer them. Since I found out that I would be laid off I have been doing some serious thinking about my future. Is my future in teaching? I have spent a lifetime preparing for it, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But now as I consider packing up my entire classroom again, moving it all to a new room and unpacking it. The organization alone is overwhelming. Not to mention learning a new school's procedures spoken and unspoken, meeting a whole new staff, being the new kid on the block even though I'm not new to teaching. It is enough to make me consider looking into some other kind of work.
And then I think I think of the faces this morning, the way my students wanted to protect me from the bad news. The way they reacted. And I think who could walk away from this.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I am having the best time right now. On Friday I assigned my class something I have never done, a skit. They have to come up with a story that has a moral or a lesson to go with the unit we have been doing. I have found myself coming up with out of the box projects for them to do as of late because they move so quickly through the curriculum.
As I write this they are rehearsing the skits they will perform tomorrow. I am excited to see them, they have definitely gotten into the spirit of the assignment, I have kids in costumes, lots of laughter, deep discussion and furtive rewriting. It is a serious day here in English class.
These are the days that I look forward too, laughing with my students, watching them learn with each other, problem solve together. They are learning without even knowing it.
And now there is a discussion of how a girl pretends to be a guy because we ran out of guys, I am needed.
As I write this they are rehearsing the skits they will perform tomorrow. I am excited to see them, they have definitely gotten into the spirit of the assignment, I have kids in costumes, lots of laughter, deep discussion and furtive rewriting. It is a serious day here in English class.
These are the days that I look forward too, laughing with my students, watching them learn with each other, problem solve together. They are learning without even knowing it.
And now there is a discussion of how a girl pretends to be a guy because we ran out of guys, I am needed.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Mask
Anyone who has children or spends time around children will tell you that it is hard to lie to kids. Not the little things like I love your painting of a red blob that is supposed to be a fire engine or these are the best cookies I have ever had even though they taste like salt cubes. Those are easy because they come from a place of love and pride and genuineness that only a loving adult can give a child.
The hard lies are the ones that require a mask. A mask that is so hard it can't crack on the rainiest of days. I have had a lot of rainy days lately and I have been lying to my kids with the thickest mask I can manufacture. I know it is for their own good but it is killing me. Slowly.
I look at them everyday and I know they know something isn't right but because they are 12 they can't put their finger on it. They say good morning, see you tomorrow, how was your weekend all the usual stuff. But now I get things like, are you in a good mood?, are you happy today?, Are you having a good day?...
They know pink slips went out and they have asked, I was honest and told them that I got one but I assured them that they shouldn't worry because the money would come through. It was a lie, there is no money but they are too young to worry about my job. They are too smart not to. So here we are day in and day out, me in my mask, them trying to make me happy - thinking if they can do something well it will make the mask go away and Ms. Knapp will come back. I don't know if she will. I want her to for their sakes. They deserve better. But for now the mask will have to do, it is all I have.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Burroughs Scholars 2009
On Friday we had an assembly at school to recognize the students who had achieved academic success first semester. I wasn't particularly interested in going as it was putting my classes off schedule but after I got there and started seeing my students cross the stage I started to understand the reason for the assembly.
The first group to cross the stage was the 4.0 group, 18 of my students achieved this status. Then came the 3.5 and above group there were 29 o my students here. 47 of my students (out of 165) were recognized for academic excellence. This is not an easy task in a Magnet program.
Students received picture frames, certificates, In 'N' Out gift cards and lanyards as rewards for their hard work and achievement.
Needless to say it was a proud day for JB!
The first group to cross the stage was the 4.0 group, 18 of my students achieved this status. Then came the 3.5 and above group there were 29 o my students here. 47 of my students (out of 165) were recognized for academic excellence. This is not an easy task in a Magnet program.
Students received picture frames, certificates, In 'N' Out gift cards and lanyards as rewards for their hard work and achievement.
Needless to say it was a proud day for JB!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Growing Up Fast
When I in school (the first time around :-) ) I was in a hurry to grow up, just like my students are now. But now it seems like the speed of light. Cell phones, i-pods, cash everywhere, brand names, swear words don't get a second look, they don't have brain filters for anything it seems.
And just when I thought I had reached my limit...I told my class we were going to the book fair and two students, not one, but two asked if they would take debit cards. I said yes but only if their parents brought them in after school and I was told that they had their own debit cards in their own names. THEY ARE TWELVE. They are not miniature adults, they don't have jobs or apartments or even know how to take care of a hamster; they don't make good decisions, they eat cookies for lunch for crying out loud. I can barely handle having a debit card, just ask Sarah.
I don't have children, I certainly don't have a twelve year old and maybe I would give them a cell phone if they were away from me for long periods but a debit card? I think I have figured out what's wrong with the economy. See that wasn't so hard!
And just when I thought I had reached my limit...I told my class we were going to the book fair and two students, not one, but two asked if they would take debit cards. I said yes but only if their parents brought them in after school and I was told that they had their own debit cards in their own names. THEY ARE TWELVE. They are not miniature adults, they don't have jobs or apartments or even know how to take care of a hamster; they don't make good decisions, they eat cookies for lunch for crying out loud. I can barely handle having a debit card, just ask Sarah.
I don't have children, I certainly don't have a twelve year old and maybe I would give them a cell phone if they were away from me for long periods but a debit card? I think I have figured out what's wrong with the economy. See that wasn't so hard!
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
That may be a commercial but to someone who suffers from bouts of depression they know that it may be the truest tag line in advertising history. It effects every part of your life even if you are not aware of it at the time. Let me go back to the beginning of this story.
A few weeks ago I was preparing for a procedure, the doctor was going insert a needle into my spine in three places to numb the nerves to see if it would magically take my migraines away. Part of me said don't get too excited, you have had this your whole life, nothing else has worked, glass is half empty....but another part was saying that the doctor seemed so sure this was the permanent solution and the pain would be gone forever that I was so ready to believe.
And then I got a letter saying that the school district was making mid year cuts and may lay off 2300 non permanent teachers in February. That's me. I couldn't tell the kids but I also didn't want to teach. I couldn't bear to talk about it because it made me cry. All of sudden the life I was building here was closing in around me and looking very scary. As I waited for the school boards decision there was still more.
We live in the money pit, yep the one from the move with Kristie Alley, now the only difference is that we don't have to pay for repairs. Maybe something would get repaired if we did but you know. We have rats (which you know if you follow Sarah's blog), we have had no heat in three months, we have the worst roof on our garage in roof history, everything in their was ruined, including two sets of golf clubs. One of our kitchen cabinets stays permanetly open and we have no gardener per our lease so it looks like we live in a jungle. Did I mention the rats.
Here's how things turned out: the procedure didn't work, my dr. is stymied and is consulting other doctors on my case which is great because I can't afford to pay him let alone other fancy specialists.
The school board voted to lay us off but the superintendent chose not to. My job is safe until June. Needless to say I am updating my resume and putting out feelers. Just when I had the perfect job.
I made a very rude call to my landlord, by message of course on the day his sister-in-law died. I have that kind of luck. When he got back from the funeral we had a long talk and within 24 hours we had a new thermostat, the rat people were back and the handyman is on his way, he has until Friday to fix the rest or I will call again. I also have my fabulous lawyer cousin looking up CA property law in case he needs to send a threatening letter.
For anyone this is stress, major stress. But for me, without me even seeing it coming, it sent me into a bout of depression. When this happens I go inward, I stop calling people, anwering the phone, not wanting to be out of the house. Thank goodness I have the worlds best sister who makes sure I eat ok and take care of myself. Even when I say I am ok she sees through it and takes care of me anyway. She there when the nightmares wake me up at 3:00 in the morning or when I can't find a shirt to wear. She's there to find something good on TV to watch when she knows I won't bother to change the channel. And she's there to tell me to get back up.
I don't know what's next, getting up and trying life again. Opening myself back up to those around me. This is my first attempt at that. Just putting it out there makes it real and it has to be real to move on.
That may be a commercial but to someone who suffers from bouts of depression they know that it may be the truest tag line in advertising history. It effects every part of your life even if you are not aware of it at the time. Let me go back to the beginning of this story.
A few weeks ago I was preparing for a procedure, the doctor was going insert a needle into my spine in three places to numb the nerves to see if it would magically take my migraines away. Part of me said don't get too excited, you have had this your whole life, nothing else has worked, glass is half empty....but another part was saying that the doctor seemed so sure this was the permanent solution and the pain would be gone forever that I was so ready to believe.
And then I got a letter saying that the school district was making mid year cuts and may lay off 2300 non permanent teachers in February. That's me. I couldn't tell the kids but I also didn't want to teach. I couldn't bear to talk about it because it made me cry. All of sudden the life I was building here was closing in around me and looking very scary. As I waited for the school boards decision there was still more.
We live in the money pit, yep the one from the move with Kristie Alley, now the only difference is that we don't have to pay for repairs. Maybe something would get repaired if we did but you know. We have rats (which you know if you follow Sarah's blog), we have had no heat in three months, we have the worst roof on our garage in roof history, everything in their was ruined, including two sets of golf clubs. One of our kitchen cabinets stays permanetly open and we have no gardener per our lease so it looks like we live in a jungle. Did I mention the rats.
Here's how things turned out: the procedure didn't work, my dr. is stymied and is consulting other doctors on my case which is great because I can't afford to pay him let alone other fancy specialists.
The school board voted to lay us off but the superintendent chose not to. My job is safe until June. Needless to say I am updating my resume and putting out feelers. Just when I had the perfect job.
I made a very rude call to my landlord, by message of course on the day his sister-in-law died. I have that kind of luck. When he got back from the funeral we had a long talk and within 24 hours we had a new thermostat, the rat people were back and the handyman is on his way, he has until Friday to fix the rest or I will call again. I also have my fabulous lawyer cousin looking up CA property law in case he needs to send a threatening letter.
For anyone this is stress, major stress. But for me, without me even seeing it coming, it sent me into a bout of depression. When this happens I go inward, I stop calling people, anwering the phone, not wanting to be out of the house. Thank goodness I have the worlds best sister who makes sure I eat ok and take care of myself. Even when I say I am ok she sees through it and takes care of me anyway. She there when the nightmares wake me up at 3:00 in the morning or when I can't find a shirt to wear. She's there to find something good on TV to watch when she knows I won't bother to change the channel. And she's there to tell me to get back up.
I don't know what's next, getting up and trying life again. Opening myself back up to those around me. This is my first attempt at that. Just putting it out there makes it real and it has to be real to move on.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Time for Change
Today will be one of those days. One of those days when someone says do you remember where you were when....? In this case it will be when Barack Obama was inaugurated. Today I witnessed a historic occasion and the importance was not lost on me. I watched the swearing in inside the school auditorium with 6th, 7th and 8th graders, colleagues, and administrators. We were a diverse group, Koreans, African Americans, Caucasians, Filipinos, Japanese, Hispanics, young, old and yet we all sat in silence (or near they are middle schoolers after all!) and took in what was happening on the screen. Our new President talking about hard work and picking ourselves up, a country ready to lead again. The auditorium erupted in cheers time and again. They were listening and excited by this man who in their eyes has come to make their lives better.
I listened too. I listened to every word from we are in trouble to we can come through this and be better than before. I heard the message and I believe him. I believe it is a time for change in this country and I believe Barack Obama is the man to do it. Putting this country back together is no small task. Fortunately, President Obama has the weight of the American people behind him. I know he has the weight of my students behind him and from what I have seen if they put their mind to something watch out!
Sunday, January 04, 2009
2008 - What Made it Great
I couldn't resist with the title! But really though I want to reflect and encourage you to reflect on what made this past year such a life altering year for us all. I don't think we consider enough how much the small yes's and no's, little changes here and there, and the huge life altering decisions that we make really create each year for us. So take a moment, look back and see what did you do that shaped 2008 for you. Here's mine:
January 1st - started reading the Bible, one slow day at a time and sometimes a whole month at once to catch up but I did it, on December 31st, 2008 I finished reading the entire bible and it changed me. It may have confused me more than clarified things but it had an impact and that's what matters.
Quit my job without having a new one lined up, not something I recommend to others. It was scary but strangely freeing. And turned out to be a great decision that I would not discover for many agonizing months.
Got a new job. After several anxiety ridden months and facing life in a cardboard box I pulled myself together and figured out how to get a job in a big city, you beg. It worked. I got the job I wanted and that I love. Thank you George.
Moved to Los Angeles, the biggest city in the world. Well probably not but it is for me. It is huge and scary and there are millions of people and cars and I never thought I would leave the tiny apartment we were going to be forced to live in. But then we found this amazing house and I drove to work and now I can drive many places as long as I have my GPS friend.
Became a patient at the Cedar Sinai Pain Center where they are helping me to control my headaches through means other than medication, I feel hopeful for the future and less pain.
Went back to church. I hadn't been attended church regularly in three years and had found other things to do with my Sunday mornings. Sarah encouraged me to try a church in Los Angeles and I agreed. I liked it and have been going back ever sense.
Back to school. Since I became an official teacher three years ago I have had this idea that I wanted to get my National Certification. Among educator's this is an elite group and not easily attained. I knew with the move to LA I would have to get my Masters and then I found out I could get my National Certification instead. It is a faster and less expensive alternative but like I said is more difficult. I have three more months and and a big test to take.
There are many more events that shaped the year for me, the presidential election, two visits to Michigan and one to Texas, a very long road trip, becoming addicted to facebook :-), moving my self for the first time, and much much more.
So what made it great for you?
January 1st - started reading the Bible, one slow day at a time and sometimes a whole month at once to catch up but I did it, on December 31st, 2008 I finished reading the entire bible and it changed me. It may have confused me more than clarified things but it had an impact and that's what matters.
Quit my job without having a new one lined up, not something I recommend to others. It was scary but strangely freeing. And turned out to be a great decision that I would not discover for many agonizing months.
Got a new job. After several anxiety ridden months and facing life in a cardboard box I pulled myself together and figured out how to get a job in a big city, you beg. It worked. I got the job I wanted and that I love. Thank you George.
Moved to Los Angeles, the biggest city in the world. Well probably not but it is for me. It is huge and scary and there are millions of people and cars and I never thought I would leave the tiny apartment we were going to be forced to live in. But then we found this amazing house and I drove to work and now I can drive many places as long as I have my GPS friend.
Became a patient at the Cedar Sinai Pain Center where they are helping me to control my headaches through means other than medication, I feel hopeful for the future and less pain.
Went back to church. I hadn't been attended church regularly in three years and had found other things to do with my Sunday mornings. Sarah encouraged me to try a church in Los Angeles and I agreed. I liked it and have been going back ever sense.
Back to school. Since I became an official teacher three years ago I have had this idea that I wanted to get my National Certification. Among educator's this is an elite group and not easily attained. I knew with the move to LA I would have to get my Masters and then I found out I could get my National Certification instead. It is a faster and less expensive alternative but like I said is more difficult. I have three more months and and a big test to take.
There are many more events that shaped the year for me, the presidential election, two visits to Michigan and one to Texas, a very long road trip, becoming addicted to facebook :-), moving my self for the first time, and much much more.
So what made it great for you?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Spirit of the Season
I got a surprise today when I got to school, I was informed that my third period would be attending the annual holiday music program. This was a pleasant surprise as I enjoy the assemblies JB puts on and the seating chart revealed we had front row seats!
I have never been more amazed at the abilities of middle school students than I was today at the concert. There were several girls that sang popular songs and the pipes on these young ladies would rival what you hear on the radio today. A young man played Chopin on the piano and having played piano quite a few years ago myself I was in awe.
The concert band and the orchestra played with a togetherness I have not seen from some high school ensembles and the instruments - violins, cellos, incredible.
If ever there was an argument for not getting rid of music programs in public school, this was it. For anyone who is interested the evening program is tomorrow, Thursday at 7 in the JB auditorium!
I have never been more amazed at the abilities of middle school students than I was today at the concert. There were several girls that sang popular songs and the pipes on these young ladies would rival what you hear on the radio today. A young man played Chopin on the piano and having played piano quite a few years ago myself I was in awe.
The concert band and the orchestra played with a togetherness I have not seen from some high school ensembles and the instruments - violins, cellos, incredible.
If ever there was an argument for not getting rid of music programs in public school, this was it. For anyone who is interested the evening program is tomorrow, Thursday at 7 in the JB auditorium!
Balloon Pants
Yesterday as I got out of my car and started the trek across campus in the rain a student was suddenly at my side asking if she could walk with me. I am used to students saying good morning but I don't usually get escorted to class!
I said sure and we walked across campus in the cold. She was all bundled up in this ankle length brown coat with a fur lined hood. I asked her what was up and she spilled. Her mom had made her wear these "ugly, brown, balloon pants" her words not mine :-) They were not technically uniform so I asked why mom had made her wear them. Apparently laundry day had come and gone and they had not made it to the laundry mat so all her regular clothes were dirty and these were all that were left.
I told her it would be ok and she said she knew it would be because she intended to leave the coat on all day, good thing it was cold!
This brought back unpleasant memories of my middle school days and the relief that I no longer have to wear long coats to cover up bad outfits (although maybe I should!) What are some of your worst middle school moments.
By the way, she made it all day without taking off the coat and no one saw the horrific pants:-)
I said sure and we walked across campus in the cold. She was all bundled up in this ankle length brown coat with a fur lined hood. I asked her what was up and she spilled. Her mom had made her wear these "ugly, brown, balloon pants" her words not mine :-) They were not technically uniform so I asked why mom had made her wear them. Apparently laundry day had come and gone and they had not made it to the laundry mat so all her regular clothes were dirty and these were all that were left.
I told her it would be ok and she said she knew it would be because she intended to leave the coat on all day, good thing it was cold!
This brought back unpleasant memories of my middle school days and the relief that I no longer have to wear long coats to cover up bad outfits (although maybe I should!) What are some of your worst middle school moments.
By the way, she made it all day without taking off the coat and no one saw the horrific pants:-)
Monday, December 15, 2008
This old house
Last night as I was getting ready for bed I turned on the hair dryer and just like that the hair dryer went off, along with the television, the space heaters and multiple other the lamp. Yep we had blown a fuse. Up until this point we were not aware all the outlets were connected to one circuit. Of course this happens at night, when it has started to rain and it is cooolllddd. So I don my rain slicker, grab a flashlight and head to the backyard, aren't all fuse boxes in the backyard!
Once outside I locate the fuse box and realize the fuses aren't labeled, I look for ones that are off but don't see any so it was trial and error from here on out. Sarah was inside waiting for something to turn back on and I started flipping switches and nothing was happening. I thought we were in pretty big trouble when I flipped one switch and every light in the house when out! Oops!
I finally found the right one and everything was OK, now we know we can't run everything at once is all. I guess growing up in a old house served us well!
Once outside I locate the fuse box and realize the fuses aren't labeled, I look for ones that are off but don't see any so it was trial and error from here on out. Sarah was inside waiting for something to turn back on and I started flipping switches and nothing was happening. I thought we were in pretty big trouble when I flipped one switch and every light in the house when out! Oops!
I finally found the right one and everything was OK, now we know we can't run everything at once is all. I guess growing up in a old house served us well!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Advent Devotional 2008
This is the devotional I wrote for the Advent book at church this year. Mine was scheduled to be read on Sunday, the second Sunday of Advent. I am a couple days late in posting it but I thought I would share -
Isaiah 11:1-10 looks toward the rule of the one whose life is to be shaped by the “spirit of the Lord”. In advent we are preparing for Christmas, the birth of Jesus, our savior. With that we are also preparing for the reign of Christ and the celebration of the opportunity to become members of God’s Kingdom.
The image of the stump in Isaiah gives us a visual representation of taking away the old to get back to the beginning of where our hearts are supposed to be. It also allows for new growth and love through the birth of the baby Jesus.
The season of advent is a time of newness, of celebration. It is also a time for gifts. Not the wrapped packages under the tree, but the spiritual gifts God sent to us in Jesus. Jesus was sent to give us the gifts of the spirit including wisdom and understanding. On that very special night so very long ago few people understood just how much wisdom and understanding a tiny baby would have. Jesus’ life is an inspiration to us. The baby in the manger grew up to face mistrust, adversaries, and mocking at ever turn yet he continued to share his wisdom and understanding with those around him. Jesus never gave up teaching and spreading the word through the land.
As we go through this season of advent, remember not only the gifts that you receive but also that Jesus came bearing gifts that Christmas morning long ago; gifts that remind us to be tolerant and to learn from each other.
Isaiah 11:1-10 looks toward the rule of the one whose life is to be shaped by the “spirit of the Lord”. In advent we are preparing for Christmas, the birth of Jesus, our savior. With that we are also preparing for the reign of Christ and the celebration of the opportunity to become members of God’s Kingdom.
The image of the stump in Isaiah gives us a visual representation of taking away the old to get back to the beginning of where our hearts are supposed to be. It also allows for new growth and love through the birth of the baby Jesus.
The season of advent is a time of newness, of celebration. It is also a time for gifts. Not the wrapped packages under the tree, but the spiritual gifts God sent to us in Jesus. Jesus was sent to give us the gifts of the spirit including wisdom and understanding. On that very special night so very long ago few people understood just how much wisdom and understanding a tiny baby would have. Jesus’ life is an inspiration to us. The baby in the manger grew up to face mistrust, adversaries, and mocking at ever turn yet he continued to share his wisdom and understanding with those around him. Jesus never gave up teaching and spreading the word through the land.
As we go through this season of advent, remember not only the gifts that you receive but also that Jesus came bearing gifts that Christmas morning long ago; gifts that remind us to be tolerant and to learn from each other.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving 2008
Thanksgiving 2008 dawned peacefully. Sarah, Sus and I gathered all our goodies and headed off to church where our adopted Thanksgiving was taking place. When we got there we dug right in and peeled potatoes, set up tables and chairs, helped with the turkeys, played board games and were generally having a terrific time.
A couple hours into the festivities I took a walk with a couple others to deliver some food to one of the regulars of the Tuesday homeless lunch. In the parking lot we ran into a man who asked if we were serving dinner. We answered no, said we were sorry an walked away. We assumed he left. A few minutes later The person I was with got a phone call from someone at the church, the man had been let in by someone who didn't know he wasn't supposed to be there and was refusing to leave. We hurried back to the church and sure enough found the man from the parking lot in the kitchen. He was told to leave or the police would be called, he said go ahead and call him, he said he wanted to tell them we wouldn't feed him.
One of the people there had to physically remove him, we called security and it was dealt with and after the fact I found out the kids had locked themselves in the other room, which was a good move on their part, they are smart kids :-)
It was sad but Sarah and the others offered to give him food from the Tuesday lunch cupboard and send him on his way. He wanted our food. He wanted to stay. We couldn't let him stay, it wasn't responsible. No one knew him or even recognized him and we had no way of knowing if he had a weapon of any kind.
Sarah had the most contact with him as she was mashing potatoes when he arrived and he kept telling her he was a "hungry tiger"
We all decided to put the incident behind us and have a good day which we did, more people came, 25 in all and they all brought food - lots of it!
It was fantastic gathering of people who otherwise wouldn't have been together, people who found a way to celebrate and share something special with friends, make new ones and be together giving thanks for another year.
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