Crisis of Faith Part 1

This is part one of a series of blogs I will add over the next few days mixed in with vacation blogs. While I was in Texas I had an experience that I will not soon forget and one that I have not completely sorted out. This is something that has been 6 years in the making. I know it doesn't make sense to you yet but I beg you, stay with me, keep listening to me and please pray for me. This past week has been filled with anger, tears, and an incredible amount of eye opening for me.

Let me start from the beginning....

When I was in middle school I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I was at choir camp at Lake Huron Methodist Camp with friends and I couldn't stop crying during evening chapel. Having been raised in the church I knew what a momentous occasion this was. It is a vivid memory and a day that I will never forget. It was a day that changed my life, I was dedicated and I never looked back. I worked hard for God, I did volunteer work, I attended and taught Sunday school, I spent most of my free time at church, I followed the example set by those around me and I loved it. It was my path and I followed it with a glad heart.

Fast forward to January 16th, 2002. I went to work like any other day. I was working at the Wesley Foundation of Kalamazoo. I loved my job and it was like my second home because I never went home! I was a junior in college and I had it all, friends, a calling ( I wanted to attend seminary), a purpose everyday and joy in my heart. I walked into work that day and got a letter in my mailbox. It started with the words "Tearful Silence." 6 years later and I still have most of it memorized. I had to dig it out to get the date but not the words. At that moment my whole world fell out from under me. Our director, Pastor and friend was being reappointed to start a new church.

The following months were the most difficult that I have experienced. Saying goodbye, interviewing new candidates, keeping the ministry running, there was so much to do without letting on that my world was gone. So I ran away. At the time I would have told you that I believed I was called to work for God that summer and maybe I was but I ran away. I couldn't handle it. The pain was too much. The thoughts of what was to come was too much.

When I returned to a new director I told myself I trying to make it work and I was doing what had to be done. It was not my fault it didn't go well and the mistakes were his fault. He was messing up. He was making huge mistakes. He had bad sermons, he was the reason for bad turnout. I disagreed with his politics and his decisions and it was a terrible year for me. I was so angry. I was so convinced it was him. I was so angry at God. My friends agreed with me for the most part. But it was divided. I lost some good, God loving people that year that I truly miss. It didn't matter. I was right and he was wrong.

The Methodist Church was wrong to take away our friend, our leader. They made the mistake. I blamed everyone, I was filled with anger and sadness and I stopped doing my job. I still went through the motions but by January I couldn't do it. I couldn't even step foot inside the building.

Wednesday March 26, 2008 I attended the evening service at Central Baptist Church in College Station, Texas. I was not looking for anything. I was there too see Little Brick #1 sing on stage and that was it. After all it was a Baptist church, what could I possibly learn. (This is my horrible attitude regarding religion lately). How wrong I was. When I left that service I had so much to think about and pray about and a big decision to make.

The pastor had been taking the congregation through the Lord's prayer line by line each week. This week was Forgive those who have trespassed against you. He told us that we are not allowed to ask for forgiveness unless we forgive those who have wronged us first. He said much more than that but that was basically the message. I am not entitled to God's forgiveness until I forgive other people. At first I was like - ok no big deal. But then I got to thinking, have I forgiven everyone I should. My mind drifted back to the anger I still hold for the events of 6 years ago. I was still angry at the man who had come in and taken over. I was still harboring terrible feelings toward this man who I felt had wronged me and ruined what was such a happy time in my life.

After the service we sat and talked about it. I cried and got angry, I didn't want to stop being angry. He had wronged me. I had a right to be angry - didn't I? I was gently reminded my cousin and sister that I God wasn't giving me that right. Which made me sad and angry and cry more. It was a long night! I was consumed by thoughts of this. Was I really still angry? Was this a big deal? It was a lot to think about.

I will write more later and tell you how I have resolved these feelings so far. There is more to this story so please stay tuned.