Where does depression hurt?

Everywhere.

That may be a commercial but to someone who suffers from bouts of depression they know that it may be the truest tag line in advertising history. It effects every part of your life even if you are not aware of it at the time. Let me go back to the beginning of this story.

A few weeks ago I was preparing for a procedure, the doctor was going insert a needle into my spine in three places to numb the nerves to see if it would magically take my migraines away. Part of me said don't get too excited, you have had this your whole life, nothing else has worked, glass is half empty....but another part was saying that the doctor seemed so sure this was the permanent solution and the pain would be gone forever that I was so ready to believe.

And then I got a letter saying that the school district was making mid year cuts and may lay off 2300 non permanent teachers in February. That's me. I couldn't tell the kids but I also didn't want to teach. I couldn't bear to talk about it because it made me cry. All of sudden the life I was building here was closing in around me and looking very scary. As I waited for the school boards decision there was still more.

We live in the money pit, yep the one from the move with Kristie Alley, now the only difference is that we don't have to pay for repairs. Maybe something would get repaired if we did but you know. We have rats (which you know if you follow Sarah's blog), we have had no heat in three months, we have the worst roof on our garage in roof history, everything in their was ruined, including two sets of golf clubs. One of our kitchen cabinets stays permanetly open and we have no gardener per our lease so it looks like we live in a jungle. Did I mention the rats.

Here's how things turned out: the procedure didn't work, my dr. is stymied and is consulting other doctors on my case which is great because I can't afford to pay him let alone other fancy specialists.

The school board voted to lay us off but the superintendent chose not to. My job is safe until June. Needless to say I am updating my resume and putting out feelers. Just when I had the perfect job.

I made a very rude call to my landlord, by message of course on the day his sister-in-law died. I have that kind of luck. When he got back from the funeral we had a long talk and within 24 hours we had a new thermostat, the rat people were back and the handyman is on his way, he has until Friday to fix the rest or I will call again. I also have my fabulous lawyer cousin looking up CA property law in case he needs to send a threatening letter.

For anyone this is stress, major stress. But for me, without me even seeing it coming, it sent me into a bout of depression. When this happens I go inward, I stop calling people, anwering the phone, not wanting to be out of the house. Thank goodness I have the worlds best sister who makes sure I eat ok and take care of myself. Even when I say I am ok she sees through it and takes care of me anyway. She there when the nightmares wake me up at 3:00 in the morning or when I can't find a shirt to wear. She's there to find something good on TV to watch when she knows I won't bother to change the channel. And she's there to tell me to get back up.

I don't know what's next, getting up and trying life again. Opening myself back up to those around me. This is my first attempt at that. Just putting it out there makes it real and it has to be real to move on.