A Journey

Thirteen months ago, October 4, 2008 to be exact, I started a journey to be a Nationally Board Certified Teacher. I was excited and nervous for the endeavor as I had been told stories of how hard and arduous the process can be but I was determined. Some of that came from being in a new system where many of the teachers and staff were better educated than I was with masters degrees and doctorates. Some of it came from wanting to be busy as Sarah was going to night school and I was going to be alone in the house a lot. But most of all, I wanted it. For me. I wanted to not worry that if I moved again I had to get a new certificate and take tests and I wanted to be able to stay in the middle school setting.

So I logged 47 hours of meetings and trainings and work sessions. I spent every Saturday for 6 months writing, reviewing, and critiquing my own teaching. What do I do as a teacher? How do my students respond and am I able to give them what they need? What is a professional teacher? Have I become one and how do I prove it? These are just a couple of the questions that I spent hours discussing in my head and with those going through the process too. I spent much of my own time working, writing, thinking, researching. And of course I dragged Sarah into it as my editor, contributor and crutch.

Sarah videotaped my class a bunch of times until I got exactly what I needed to submit 2 - 15 minute DVD's of my teaching to determine my fate. I met a great friend who came over many nights to work together so we could be the strongest candidates possible. I took practice assessments in sessions that lasted 2-4 hours and learned terminology and pedagogy til I couldn't think straight.

I mailed the portfolio and took the 4 hour assessment and just like that it was over. Rather, I had to pretend it was over because that was June and the results don't come out until November. As the day approached to find out my fate I was a wreck, I picked a huge fight with Sarah over something stupid, I couldn't sleep, the usual stress induced stuff. Then last Friday the scores were released.

I didn't pass.

I called Sarah from school, tearful, and told her. I posted on facebook and twitter. I needed it to be out there, to be real. I immediately texted my friend to find out her fate. She passed! (and I am so happy and proud of her). Then came the tears. I couldn't stop. I tried and tried and tried to suck it up. I went to the hallway and gave myself a pep talk but it was too much. I called for coverage and headed home defeated. Sarah sat with me for an hour while I cried. There was nothing to say, nothing to make it better. I talked to mom and dad and they were so great. Mom got angry that someone would dare say I wasn't good enough and dad said "this test doesn't define you".

I couldn't hear any of it. I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself, feeling as if I had let everyone down. Sarah had worked hard on this project too, helping me be the best I could be, my parents were supportive through the whole process and had helped pay for it. I couldn't bear that they be disappointed in me. Then Sarah made pancakes and made me laugh. I went to see my acupuncturist who calmed my body down and let me sleep for a while. I left the appointment feeling much better. I came home, picked Sarah up and we went off to the movies. It was good not to think of it.

Sunday morning in church I got teary, and then cried again when my pastor mentioned it. I am not ready to talk about it yet face to face with anyone. It hurts.

BUT - I know that my dad was right. This test does not define me or my teaching. My portfolio scores were fantastic which means the people scoring my actual teaching thought I was fabulous and that I have gone above and beyond in the community, my profession and with the families of my students. That is something I am proud of. I believe that teaching is personal, that in order to really teach one has to know their students and that I do that is evident.

The downfall was the written assessment. A 4 hour test taken on a computer where you are given 6 prompts to answer. When I left the assessment center I couldn't tell anyone what the prompts were because I didn't remember. I still don't. I couldn't tell you what I wrote because those memories are not there. Evidently I had test anxiety and froze up.

I can take the test again in the spring and I might. I haven't decided, I still have some time. I can wait up to 2 years to retake it. This has been a difficult year, getting laid off, being a substitute and creating an art curriculum.

I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that I am a good teacher. In fact, I am a great teacher. I have been in the trenches, experienced a lot in different parts of the country and learned more than I ever thought I could. The test doesn't define me, I define myself.