Happy Birthday Mom

My mother Christina Ann Macdonald Knapp was born on May 14th, 1949 to Don and Barb MacDonald, she was thier first child. I have heard many stories over the almost 28 years that I have known my mother and learned a great many things about her, here are some of the most memorable:

*She liked to play in the sandbox - naked (there are pictures to prove it!)

*She was grounded as a teenager a lot! Which is why she does not care for flowered wall paper, as she tells it, she counted flowers many times when sent to her room.

*She played field hockey.

*She has the same best friend today that she had in elementary school and they still live less than a mile from each other.

*She wanted to be a nurse when she was younger

*She worked incredibly hard to help her family through difficult times and put herself through college at Lansing Community College by working long hours as a cook and waitress.

*My mother met my father at a bar and did not pay much attention as her encounters with his older brother in the past had not gone well.

*They got married six short months later. (after which she learned my father was not a master skiier!)

*She took a government job so my dad could finish school and they could start a family, she never went back to her dream of managing a restaurant. She sacrificed for her family as many parents do.

*My mom's favorite color is green and sometimes yellow

*Her favorite flower is the yellow rose

*She loves the beach, reading, hockey and basball.

*She will do anything for her family

*She cannot stand injustice and fights for what she believes in

*She is always the first one to volunteer to help when someone is in need, I cannot count the amount of times she has made food, bought clothes, given money, or her own time to help a person or family in need.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Wishing you a year full of happiness and love.

I love you.

Esther Chapter 5

Yeah it's been a while. You have most likely forgotten my "crisis of faith" post from spring break. I have not, I have thought about it a lot. I have tried to sit down and write the resolution I promised several times but it was much more difficult than I anticipated. So here goes:

Esther 5: 9 says (paraphrase) Haman was so filled with rage and anger at Mordecai that he could not enjoy anything. All of his joy, even being invited to dinner at the palace was taken just by seeing Mordecai sitting by the city gates. He knew there was no way he could enjoy the dinner and complained to his wife and friends. They gave him advice to build gallows 75 feet high and ask the king to have him hanged. Haman was so excited about this he had the gallows built immediately and got ready for his dinner happily.

During the church service I was at in Texas the pastor told us that 75 feet was high enough to literally decapitate a person - not just kill them, but mutilate them - very gruesome. The point being made is that Haman was unhappy until he was able to know there was a punishment for the person he was angry with.

This made an impact on me. I don't want to be vengeful, I don't want to be out for revenge and be unhappy until I see a person punished. That is when it all came together.

I truly believe that we are put in a place, for a specific reason and God put me in Chris Osborne's congregation for a week to learn how to forgive and to remember what being a child of God means. It comes with a responsibility. A responsibility to keep working on understanding God's will and his purpose for our lives. It's not easy but those of us who work toward that end know that it is a walk on which we will never be alone and one we will never regret.

It wasn't until Easter Sunday that I realized how far I had wandered from the unwaivering faith of years past. I am working on finding it again.

It is not all resolved but I feel better than I have in a long time about faith, religion and the way I ended my years in college ministry. It took 6 years but I got there.

Too Many Directions

Here's a quick update and then I have to roll yarn for the kids tomorrow, I know but the life of a teacher is interesting in many ways!
- I do not have a job yet, however I have an interview with a head hunting company on Thursday for private school placement.
- There are 26 days of school left and I cannot wait for it to be over
- Sarah got into UCLA so we are tres excited about that!!!!
- The kids are a bit out of control lately so that makes teaching difficult - on we go anyway.
- I get to go to Michigan soon!

Yeah, not much going on, there will be more once I have a job secured and we get an apartment rented. Until then it is stress, stress, stress.

Quit My Day Job!

My students are working on a poetry unit. It is difficult because they have to put themselves out there and at this age they aren't as willing to do that as one might think. We write all different types and forms of poems including everyone's favorite - limericks! Every year I write an ode to my students, they usually get a kick out of it and this year was no exception. One group of students decided I should quit teaching and become a poet - apparently there's more money in it :-) I don't know know about that but I did have a teacher once who said that he would never ask us to do anything he wouldn't be willing to do and I try very hard to practice that with my students so here is part of my poetry project:

Ode to My Students

Oh how smart you are-
If only you could see
The potential locked inside

I push you to your limits
Hoping to one day unlock
The vault that lies within

You talk, laugh, and pass notes
Trying your best to drown me out
But my voice will not go away

You're tired of hearing sit down, quiet down
You're well aware life's not fair
And yet it doesn't seem to sink in...

I continue to teach because I believe
In you, my students
That one day the combination
We will find
To open up your minds!

Three...Yep....Three

On our trip we got dressed up Texas style for a night of dancing at the Hullabaloo to benefit an organization that does surgery on kids with cleft pallets. It was a crazy but fun night.




All in all the trip to Texas was fantastic including the 36 hours in the car. It is a good thing my sister and I get along so well, I know some siblings who wouldn't make it 2 hours in the car let alone 4 days :-) We did have one snafu however, but what is a road trip without at least one. The great state of Texas has very conscientious Public Safety Officers who wanted to give me a reminder that the speed limit in Western Texas is 80 mph, not 83 mph as my cruise control had snuck up to at one point. Needless to say I was very thankful (yeah, thankful) for the reminder and will be ever so careful to not let that happen again in the great state of Texas if I am to travel there again (which I may not seeing how I have yet to return to Kentucky).

I Scream You Scream!

Touring the Blue Bell ice cream factory was tons of fun and the free sample helped too! Moo tracks is my favorite. I know Michiganders can't et Blue Bell, but of you ever get the chance, take it!


We hung out a lot, went on our annual cousins dinner, played with the kiddos and went to school with them! We watched several movies - I do not recommend "Michael Clayton" but "Why I got Married" Was great!

Crisis of Faith Part 1

This is part one of a series of blogs I will add over the next few days mixed in with vacation blogs. While I was in Texas I had an experience that I will not soon forget and one that I have not completely sorted out. This is something that has been 6 years in the making. I know it doesn't make sense to you yet but I beg you, stay with me, keep listening to me and please pray for me. This past week has been filled with anger, tears, and an incredible amount of eye opening for me.

Let me start from the beginning....

When I was in middle school I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I was at choir camp at Lake Huron Methodist Camp with friends and I couldn't stop crying during evening chapel. Having been raised in the church I knew what a momentous occasion this was. It is a vivid memory and a day that I will never forget. It was a day that changed my life, I was dedicated and I never looked back. I worked hard for God, I did volunteer work, I attended and taught Sunday school, I spent most of my free time at church, I followed the example set by those around me and I loved it. It was my path and I followed it with a glad heart.

Fast forward to January 16th, 2002. I went to work like any other day. I was working at the Wesley Foundation of Kalamazoo. I loved my job and it was like my second home because I never went home! I was a junior in college and I had it all, friends, a calling ( I wanted to attend seminary), a purpose everyday and joy in my heart. I walked into work that day and got a letter in my mailbox. It started with the words "Tearful Silence." 6 years later and I still have most of it memorized. I had to dig it out to get the date but not the words. At that moment my whole world fell out from under me. Our director, Pastor and friend was being reappointed to start a new church.

The following months were the most difficult that I have experienced. Saying goodbye, interviewing new candidates, keeping the ministry running, there was so much to do without letting on that my world was gone. So I ran away. At the time I would have told you that I believed I was called to work for God that summer and maybe I was but I ran away. I couldn't handle it. The pain was too much. The thoughts of what was to come was too much.

When I returned to a new director I told myself I trying to make it work and I was doing what had to be done. It was not my fault it didn't go well and the mistakes were his fault. He was messing up. He was making huge mistakes. He had bad sermons, he was the reason for bad turnout. I disagreed with his politics and his decisions and it was a terrible year for me. I was so angry. I was so convinced it was him. I was so angry at God. My friends agreed with me for the most part. But it was divided. I lost some good, God loving people that year that I truly miss. It didn't matter. I was right and he was wrong.

The Methodist Church was wrong to take away our friend, our leader. They made the mistake. I blamed everyone, I was filled with anger and sadness and I stopped doing my job. I still went through the motions but by January I couldn't do it. I couldn't even step foot inside the building.

Wednesday March 26, 2008 I attended the evening service at Central Baptist Church in College Station, Texas. I was not looking for anything. I was there too see Little Brick #1 sing on stage and that was it. After all it was a Baptist church, what could I possibly learn. (This is my horrible attitude regarding religion lately). How wrong I was. When I left that service I had so much to think about and pray about and a big decision to make.

The pastor had been taking the congregation through the Lord's prayer line by line each week. This week was Forgive those who have trespassed against you. He told us that we are not allowed to ask for forgiveness unless we forgive those who have wronged us first. He said much more than that but that was basically the message. I am not entitled to God's forgiveness until I forgive other people. At first I was like - ok no big deal. But then I got to thinking, have I forgiven everyone I should. My mind drifted back to the anger I still hold for the events of 6 years ago. I was still angry at the man who had come in and taken over. I was still harboring terrible feelings toward this man who I felt had wronged me and ruined what was such a happy time in my life.

After the service we sat and talked about it. I cried and got angry, I didn't want to stop being angry. He had wronged me. I had a right to be angry - didn't I? I was gently reminded my cousin and sister that I God wasn't giving me that right. Which made me sad and angry and cry more. It was a long night! I was consumed by thoughts of this. Was I really still angry? Was this a big deal? It was a lot to think about.

I will write more later and tell you how I have resolved these feelings so far. There is more to this story so please stay tuned.

Easter Sunday 2008

Texas Spring Break!!!

This was a great Easter for me. It was the first time in years that I was able to be with family. three years ago I was in the hospital and the last two years I have been here. In Yuma. Sarah was here last year but this year we were able to drive (18 long hours) to Eastern Texas and spend our Spring Intercession with our cousin and her family. Easter is such an important holiday for Christians and it is hard not to celebrate with family.

I have lots to share about our trip, it's hard to know where to start. On Easter we went to church and then had lunch with Jamee's in-laws. We then got to take a nap, changed into our play clothes and had an egg hunt, played baseball and then played a fun dice game with the grown-ups called Farkle.

We Don't Own this Night (Part Deux)

It was recently brought to my attention that I never came back to tell you the outcome of what happened after our exciting evening. At school I talked with our school resource officer and he said he would look into it even though he had this little smile on his face. The smile that told me he thought I was over reacting and should not be worrying about this - he has been on the force many years and this is pretty low on his radar but since he is my friend he looked into it for me.

The official report from the Yuma Police Department was this: On the evening in question nothing happened. No calls were made to 911 or directly to the department. No police were dispatched to the complex for any official reason and no reports have been filed since. So nothing happened. Apparently we made it up. Maybe we do own the night after all....

In the interest of wrapping up other news, my student who had run away/was missing has been found. The day after I spoke with her mother the U.S. Marshalls located the man she was with and he gave up her location. She has been reunited with her family and we will be having a meeting Monday to determine the best course of action regarding her education and return to school. None of that really matters, she is safe with her family. This is one case of many that turned out good. So many don't, the relief was so great among the staff and students, I can't imagine someone that close to me missing for any length of time. She was gone for over ten days. It turns out the man she was with was 38 years old, she is 12. Incredibly scary. Thank you for your prayers.

We Don't Own this Night

I went grocery shopping tonight. I agreed to go. I was not forced as is often the case. I am pretty gullible about it, Sarah will say "want to go to the mall?" and then on the way home we end up at Wal-Mart. This is not a joke. I really dislike the grocery store and on the way out to the car I saw a cat so I was a little distracted anyway.

So...Sarah is saying how she should have gotten a sitter for me since it was late but I was trying to be good. We did our shopping and $96 later headed for home. It was around 10 and we were just going home to finish some scrapbooking pages when all hell broke loose. As we got to our door (in our safe apartment complex, the safest in Yuma). Sarah was finding her keys, as I was irresponsible and forgot mine. I heard a noise, turned around and saw a policeman run at full speed out of a neighboring apartment with his gun drawn. I whispered to Sarah to get in the house now because something bad was happening and we ran in the house, threw the groceries and got out of the windows with the lights off.

I crawled to the living room window and peered out to see what was happening. The woman who lives in said apartment had run out after the policeman and had left her door wide open. They had run out of view so we remained in hiding. I drew the shades and we put the groceries away.

We heard lots of sirens and they stopped right at our area, Sarah saw an ambulance and cop cars pull up. I voted to walk the long way around to see what was happening but then we would still have been in the line of fire as Sarah rationally pointed out. The door has been open for sometime and a policeman just went back in and shut it tight.

We don't know what happened but we are praying for the family. A mom and her two kids live in the apartment. A small girl and late elementary aged boy. They have only been here about a month and the boy plays soccer and basketball outside our place constantly.

Helpless or Hopeless?

I mentioned in my last blog that I was looking for a new career, I'm beginning to think I wasn't kidding myself. Yesterday I started the morning dealing with contacting parents of children who have failing grades for 3rd quarter. Report cards come out next week and we, the teachers, are not allowed to give an F unless the parent has been notified. Now, keep in mind this is not the first notification that I or many of the teachers have made. Each quarter is 9 or 10 weeks long and we all send progress reports home regularly, call or send notes in the student's planner. This particular phone call should not be a surprise. But inevitably it is and the parent is upset and wants to fix it but then I have to say it is too late in the game for that. I called 9 parents yesterday and I only have 57 students.

I was disappointed by the reactions, many of the parents have given up. As long as you are not suspending their child it's OK. They can deal with the failure academically, almost as if it is expected. Report card time is always like this. Some parents freak out but, sadly, most don't care. That will become apparent next week when we have parent-teacher conferences and the numbers of parents showing up go down like they always do.

While I was having students call and telling parents of their fate I came across one student who has been in my class since the beginning of January. He has ADHD and is in charge of taking his own medication every morning, as part of "taking responsibility" for his actions. Since his arrival we have had two parent meetings, one with the counselor, one with the vice-Principal and still this child comes to class with nothing. Not a piece of paper, a pencil, nothing. Yesterday when we talked about the failing grade I asked him of he was taking his meds. He said no. Alarm bells went off in my head. I then had my attention immediately split in two. I was teaching my class and trying to figure out why a 12 year old is required to worry about the fact that his medication ran out and there is no refill for it. He had been out for 6 days.

Fast forward to lunch time. I asked an innocent question regarding a student who has ditched a couple of times to see if her absences had been excused for the past two days. I needed to call mom regarding her grade. I was told to talk to the school resource officer (the police). The officer sets me down and tells me that she is missing. Yep, one of my students ran away from home Sunday and hasn't been seen since. Evidently her 29 year old ex-boyfriend is also MIA. Now my brain is divided into 3 parts. My brain doesn't handle this new split well and I get a little cranky.

I called my mom and dad as soon as I got home and told them what had happened because I just need to hear them say it is going to be OK sometimes. My mom said "you must feel so hopeless, I mean helpless"

Yes, I do feel helpless. There is nothing I can do.

I can't take a child to the Dr. get the meds and make sure he takes them, I can't find a 12 year old run away any better than the police can and I can't make pre-teens stop having sex (we had a pregnancy scare recently also). So while I do feel helpless, I can't help but feel a little hopeless too. Next week we are having big fundraisers for an 8Th grader at school who is going through treatments for cancer and we have had 4 kids kicked out for drugs in the last month.

I know that I am a positive influence, as I was told yesterday, my heart is 18 sizes too big! But today it just hurts and hurts until I think it can't hurt anymore. I am scared and angry and have no idea what to do. These kids are not kids. They don't know how to be. When did that change? When did kids turn into little adults bringing their Starbucks to school with the grown up problems to go with it and making their own rules along the way.

I'm not so sure my mom was wrong, I do feel pretty hopeless.

Thankfully my jury duty was cancelled for today and I was able to have golf practice today which was great. It was nice to be outside and the kids were great.

Please pray for my run-away student and her family. It is a very serious situation that I can't go into detail about but each day that goes by is scarier than before.

My Crazy Life

I wish I blogged more than I do but to be honest there isn't that much happening that constitutes an entire blog so I will to a synopsis for you.

- Two weeks ago I had a disappointing evaluation from one of the VP's at school. So bad in fact it got me thinking about alternate career opportunities the upcoming job may afford me. Let's jsut say I am not qualified to do much else!

- Fast forward a week to school wide evaluation. We all get evaluated on the same day and are compared to every school in the county. No, no pressure at all. Sarah and I spent hours of our weekend preparing a lesson that would be perfect, the evaluators saw maybe the first 1/8th of it but it was great and I impressed the powers that be. unfortunately that may have been the trigger for a migraine.

- Wednesday of last week, actually walked out of my class. Abandoned my children, without even telling them I was leaving because I was so sick. I got someone to cover my 6th period and I passed out in the nurses office. No one bothered to check on me or my class for 7th period until Sarah found my kids working alone with no adult. Thank God they didn't run away or start a fire or something.

- Wednesday afternoon, got myself together long enough to have first golf practice with 40 children and then passed out until Friday. I don't remember much of Thursday, except that I woke up a couple of times to inject medication.

- Saturday got hi-lites. that was fun and cruised the mall, mostly window shopping. No work this weekend.

- Sunday we cleaned the house which was much needed after the crazy winds have brought all the desert in the house.

All of this while still getting the kids ready for AIMS and trying to keep them from getting distracted from Spring Break (9 days and counting!). Job hunt continues, lots of possibilities but still hard to narrow down with Sarah's applications pending.

I have jury duty starting Wednesday, can't wait for that ;-( I hope I get dismissed. And we are trying to get our plans straight to go to Texas to visit the Brick House for Easter. And yes to the little Bricks, we did ask our parents if we could stay over!

That's what's been going on here in the desert. I will keep you posted.

Fight Club!

For any of you that have seen the movie fight club, you know rule #1 is that you don't talk about fight club. Well that's not how Ms. Knapp plays it. Some of our kids decided to have their own version of fight club in the bathroom this week at school. Friends fighting, just to see who could beat each other up. All in all there were about 15 kids involved.

Yesterday one of our incredibly smart (note the sarcasm) 8Th graders decided to ditch and because she didn't want to get into trouble got into a car with a stranger, that's right a stranger. I don't know all of the events that played out, as I came in on the tail end but I do know that she is safe now but was missing for about 4 hours yesterday.

Sarah and I decided to go to the movies last night. We don't go very often for two reasons, it is expensive and there are bound to be students there. We sucked it up and went to the mall which has a little added pressure now because of the February 14Th fatal shooting of an eighteen year old gang member right outside the theatres. We got there early and walked around a bit, window shopping and taking in the sights. We were spotted and pointed out loudly by one group of students and were not surprised to see 2 police cruisers parked in front of the theaters and the cops doing foot patrols with mall security. It has only been two weeks but that hasn't deterred anyone from being out and about. The place was packed with teens, families, Marines, everyone. The gangs were out in force showing colors and marking territory but thankfully nothing has happened in a public place since the last incident. I think we are more aware because of our work in the schools than most people who are just out to eat and shopping.

We saw Fools Gold, it was a cute movie. I laughed, which I needed after a not so good week. I have been summonsed to jury duty so I will keep you posted on that. I guess I better get up now and get the weekend chores started.

Map

I got a map. And then I hung it on the wall. My intention is to put pins in it to represent the schools Sarah has applied to and then the ones I want to apply to. I am hoping that this visual will get me motivated. It doesn't seem quite real yet. I have told everyone that I am moving, I have signed the resignation papers at work and I have started cleaning things out to limit the items to move.

But it still didn't seem real. Thus the map. Los Angeles is big. I mean really BIG. So applying for a job has to be very strategic. I have to make sure I don't have to commute because of all the traffic problems that plague the city, I don't think I could handle that. But we also have to be close to the school that Sarah will attend and since that is still a mystery... I am plotting points on the map.

So far it is making me feel better to make little flags for my push pins. I am pretty close to having my California teaching certificate and I joined a teaching network that is advertising over one hundred jobs in the LA area. For this early in the hiring season that is tremendous. I am pretty excited to see the salary ranges too, I will be moving up quite a bit which will compensate the rent increase.

There is still plenty to be done before moving can even be discussed. I will have my final formal evaluation this week and then next Monday our school will have the last walk throughs of the year. Spring break is coming up with a trip to Texas in the works! Then the AIMS tests for the kids - a very stressful for them and us. And then a few weeks of panicked apartment hunting and job interviews before we fly home for a quick visit and say farewell to Yuma.

Right now it is off to bed, Monday is coming to soon.

The Dome

As you drive into Yuma you will see, just off the highway, this dome. At first glance it appears to be just an odd shaped building but as Sarah and I learned when we took the annual Dome House tour it is so much more.

It is a monolithic dome (which are fairly well know around the world) and is huge inside. It is incredibly eco-friendly and just plain fun. There are 8 suites, one full sized kitchen, a three story atrium and a gym/computer room. Each suite has a living area, a bedroom, a kitchenette, washer and dryer, bathroom with shower and jacuzzi tub and the two lower floors have outside entrances. The third floor has a fire escape only.

In this particular dome lives a family. A big family. There is a grandma, two sisters, their husbands, two granddaughters, one great - grandson, one fiancee and one adopted family member. The family members that we spoke to said it is almost like living in a big apartment building. They don't see each other much during the week because everyone is so busy with work and school and such. On the weekend they have one big family meal together to catch everyone up with all that's gone on. They seemed like one big happy family.

all three stories

the atrium

the ponds put moisture back into the air that the dome takes out

it's very tall!

hard to clean windows :-)

What a Week!

Last week was a week! I hope this week goes better. Part of my job is to be a child advocate. I take that very seriously, sometimes a little too seriously. The last few months one of my kids has been bullying some of the other kids. He is good friends with one of Sarah's kids. There are three of them all together who form this little gang and go around trying to start fights, picking on kids who don't fight back and generally making my life difficult.

Long story short I have spent a lot of time writing referrals, calling parents, talking to kids and administration and trying to stop these kids from making mistakes. It finally came to a head this week and we sent the two biggest bullies to our alternative placement program. They go for a minimum of 30 days, a maximum of 60 and usually 45. When the decision was made I was relieved to know that the problems would end. That my kids being bullied would no longer have to walk down the halls in fear or be constantly called horrible names.

After school I went to the office and my student who was being sent to the alternative program was waiting for his mom so my boss told me to go in and talk with him. I tried to get through to him about his choices. I was desperately trying to get him to see that he was making bad choices and that he was better than that. I was okay until he teared up. Then I teared up and then I had to leave the room.

That always happens. I get so angry at the kids who make the bad choices and work so hard to get them the consequences they deserve which I see is in their best interest and then when it actually happens I am filled with remorse and guilt. I think when it comes right down too it I feel like a failure. I couldn't fix this child. I had 6 1/2 months with him and I couldn't make it right. Now, realistically I know you can't undo 12 years in a few months but it still feels like failure.

I know that tomorrow I will go to work, see that empty desk and feel sadness. But I know that I am still a child advocate and I couldn't change those circumstances but there are still 57 kids and many more months to go. So I choose to be optimistic.

I am in a cycle again. I was doing really well for a while with the migraines and it seems like jsut when I get comfortable with everything something happens. I got sick in August and had a sinus infection which somehow set off my blood pressure medicine. This has turned into a downward spiral I can't seem to get out of. I can no longer take the blood pressure meds therefore I am getting headaches again. A lot. It sucks (sorry mom, I know you don't like that word). The docs in chicago are trying to help but it is a cycle I can feel it. Sometimes they last for months with no explanations. I am trying hard to keep going. I know I complain to Sarah too much but thankfully she just pats me on the head and tells me to go to bed. I am trying to stay active though because if I don't they get worse. Today even though I skipped the gym I did a walk around the block and made dinner.

I was proud of my kids today. We had our second quarter spell off between Sarah's kids and mine and even though we lost 2 - 1 my kids tried so hard and lasted a long time, it was great. They really got into it this time and focused on actually spelling instead of worrying about winning. They have hit the mid-year grow up stage. It is such a neat age to see them blossom at. Keep in mind that while I write this today, tomorrow will be a whole different story!

Lasagna is a Success!

One of my new year resolutions was to learn how to cook correctly. I have been making dinner more regularly and working on small things but tonight was the big recipe. Sarah and I picked out a new recipe. Chicken and spinach lasagna. We went to the store and got all the ingredients we needed. Then we came home, put it all together and in true new recipe fashion ate it three hours later. But it was fantastic! We loved it and it was so pretty, pretty as a picture. On to the next new recipe.

One Two Cha Cha Cha

I am going through a phase, at least I hope it is a phase. I seem to be taking one step forward and two steps backward in everything. Much like the Cha Cha! It all started when I went back to work last week, I told myself things were going to be different, this was it, the big year. I was starting the big job hunt and this time I was writing the ticket - not settling for the first offer. I was going to pay down some debt, I was going to lose the weight I had put back on. Mostly so my interview suit would fit correctly again :-) Things went well for about 8 hours.

As I am prone to anxiety and depression I always have to check myself and say, "self, is it really this bad or are you making it worse than it has to be" Unfortunately this time I wasn't the problem. I seemed to have run into this streak of bad luck and can't get out. A friend passed away, I got stuck on the way home one night because my tire was shredded (money!), the kids ae acting out, my checkbooks in the red, I actually woke up yesterday at the time I was supposed to be at work, I have a sweet tooth that won't quit and my headaches are back pretty full force.

I know I am whining a bit but it's my blog after all so sorry. While all this is going on I am trying to plan several trips and spend time with friends and get my kids excited about a novel and find my dream teaching job - all happy things but the other stuff keeps getting in the way.

I don't know why but I thought once I got back into reading the Bible and focusing on God things would get better. Maybe I was expecting a miracle, I don't know. I guess I fell into the trap of asking God for what I wanted instead listening to what God wants for me. I know the difference, I have taught it to others many times but with faith it is always about learning and relearning. Baby steps.

Tomorrow I start again. Baby steps. I will start with a positive attitude and
try not to let the negatives in. I know for some people it is easy to do that. For me having a predisposition to the depression stuff I tend to be more of a pessimist and I don't like using that as an excuse but when it comes right down to it there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that I struggle with on a daily basis. The hardest part is knowing that as much as I struggle with those close to me also have to struggle with it.

Please pray for me. And hope this really is just a phase.

Sadness

This was going to be a blog about my day. I was going to tell you that I had to get up extra early to go to work because I didn't really know what I was going to have the kids do. Then I was going to complain about how I had to get used to not going to the bathroom whenever I wanted and how easy it was to forget that pre-teens talk A LOT! Then there was this letter about me boycotting my department meetings for the rest of the year because of the person in charge (which my boss took extremely well). Basically I was going to complain about my day.

Instead I want to share with you that when we came home from work there was a message that a college friend, Kyle Sonneman, had passed away on Saturday. We don't know any details really. Only that it was unexpected and that there is a service on Wednesday in Traverse City. Kyle was a youth pastor, he moved to Traverse City shortly before I moved to Yuma. He was a very funny guy, loved to make everyone laugh and always wanted to have parties!

Suddenly all the other stuff went away, like it always does when I need to be centered. God has this amazing way of shifting priorities around to his way. I had started to depend less and less on that but now that I am back in the Word daily my memory is less and less fuzzy. I am starting to feel centered again.

Kyle had a passion for Christ and he attracted others with his warmth and kindness. His calling was a perfect fit as he was a big kid at heart. Kyle - I will miss you.