It's almost midnight and I am restless for several reasons. One, I read a scary book about murder and that is not something I should do at night when I am sleeping in a house by myself. Two, I spent a large part of my day trying to fix my tax crisis and while it seems to be falling into place, I still have this pit in my stomach that something horrible is going to happen when I file. And that brings us to reason three....
Sarah asked me a question today, it was a gentle prodding on her part but what she doesn't kow is that it is the same question I have asking myself for a while now. She wanted to know if I would be attending church on Easter. I didn't go last year because I was in the hospital and I did miss it. To me, in a way, Easter is more of a spiritual holiday than Christmas. This is when someone loved me enough to die for me and painfully at that. I am reading this book called Velvet Jesus (or Elvis) I can't remember. But it is by Rob Bell and you should all read it. It asks all the questions that we all want to ask but are ashamed or afraid or too timid to ask ourselves. He doesn't give answers either which is comforting as well, he lays it out for you to come to your own conclusions.
Anyway, the reason this is all making me restless is that I have only been to church here in Yuma twice. I went to one of those mega churches where you just sort of blen in, they even have a book store in the foyer. It wasn't for me, I know that and I think I knew that before I went. Maybe that's why I chose it, to fail on purpose ate finding a church. Moving here was a big change and my job was hard and I was tired and I kept telling myself that I would go when things settled down. I think that is how it starts. You start going less and less, make up excuses and then BOOM! you no longer attend church and you can totally justify it. I feel like a huge hypocrite right now. I spent the better part of my life trying to convince people how important community is and how important Bible study is and how important it is to keep your relationship with Jesus alive and now I have pushed it to the back burner.
My faith is still here, I couldn't survive without it but I wonder if it is as strong as it could be. I haven't done a very good job of living my faith out these past few months and the terrifying part is that I don't feel convicted to change that. Is it possible that I have lost my way, that somehow I have stopped following God. I guess it boils down to that if I choose to go to a church for Easter Sunday am I a hypocrite. Do I then fall into the catorgory of the population that only attends church on major holidays? To me that speaks of apathy, which is something that I hate. I don't want to use the past as an excuse but I don't have a great track record with the organized church and it's politics. So what now? Do I go or not? Do I suck it up and do my Christian duty or do I follow my heart and hope that God is still leading me?
I thought getting these thoughts out would mollify me some butr I don't know, now I feel guilty for telling you what a heathen I have become :-) Well, off to bed, let me know what you think.
3 comments:
Wow - one gentle prodding and then BOOM! I think you are far from a heathen, as far as the rest of us. I also think you get to decide what to do about church. Jesus did tell us to go, be in community with others but then again He also told us to do a slew of other things. You have to trust yourself to know what's right for you and what's not. And you have to trust God. He's put you on this path and it's up to you to decide where it takes you and if you go with or without Him. I hope that makes sense.
Apathy is a lack of regard, a lack of caring, and I don't see you as apathetic. I see you as living out your faith everyday when you walk into that classroom. Worshipping in a church community is just another way of following Jesus.
Whether or not you go on Easter, know and remember this: Jesus died for YOU. For YOU. And nothing, ever, can take that away. Believe in that baby sister:-)
I love you!
Even Jesus didn't attend church every single week. I mean look at him he ran off for 40 days into the wilderness and didn't attend church. Maybe you are currently in your 40 days in the wilderness. You also as Sarah said are far from heathen. You wouldn't have been asking yourself these questions if you were. You influenced a lot of people since I have known you. You have done great things. I would run out of fingers and toes if I had to count the lives you affected while at Wesley and WMU. God will lead you in the right path because that is what He does. If He feels you need to be at a church on Easter Sunday He will lead you there. If He doesn't than He has plans for you to do something else and will have Him show through you while you do it.
Angela I know the hardest part is to go back to a church after leaving or finding a new one. I know because I left my church for a while, and when I went back I knew I would never leave again. I wonder if you are afraid of being so involved again, I know how much time you spent at church and helping and leading others. I know you beleive and god is always there for you and you are there for him. Keep up the faith, trust yourself, and maybe you need to go to a little church this Easter just to have the peace. I go to the contempory service with Dad but I find myself going back to the regular service there is something about the peace you get from the old time worship service. I think we need that now and then. What ever you decide reember I'm here for you I pray you find your way again,. love and hugs mom
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